Twilight, or Why Do I Even Bother?

I went to see Twilight today. "That's your own damned fault," you're thinking, and you're absolutely right. Why did I see it? Because a) I have many friends who like the books/movie, b) to satisfy a morbid curiosity, c) because I was expecting the film to suck bad enough to provide a juicy, vitriolic bashing. I mean, I voluntarily watched many shitty films, including Juno and Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, so it shouldn't surprise you overmuch. Not only did going to see it fuck up my day (thanks for the weather, GOD!), but the movie was excrutiatingly disappointing. Not that I was expecting anything from it, but still... Anyway, let's get on with this shit. This might be the meanest thing I've ever written for this blog; certainly it's the most incoherent and nonsensical stream-of-consciousness rant you ever did see.

This is the most aggressively mediocre film I've ever seen. It isn't even bad enough for me to have a lot of fun tearing it apart, although Lord knows I'll try. For the most part, it's just there, existing without making much of an impression. I wasn't bored, merely in a malaise throughout. What reason did I have for wasting ten fucking dollars on this? I deserve a lobotomy for that.

Do you really want me to explain the plot? If I must.

I hope that satisfies you.

In case for some reason I need to clarify: I am not in the target audience, and I've never read the books. But if they're anything like the movie, I'd say that's a wonderful thing! Perhaps the movie will satisfy its target audience of masturbating teenaged girls, but the rest of us aren't going to be particularly enamored of such trite, banal pap.

I guess I should say that, I could see the story being interesting in theory. The abstinence parallels in the story are quite obvious to even the most addle-brained viewer, but gosh darn it, I tolerated the story up to that point! The early scenes weren't bad at all; nothing breath-takingly original or striking or heartfelt, but neither were they atrocious. Had we stuck with this in a realistic context - the new girl falls in lust with a mysterious outsider guy with a secret - it might have been a passable little teen romance.

But then they have to throw in fucking vampires. Look, I know we need fantastic allegories, because adolescent girls won't cream themselves if the dude is just hot rather than an undead man-eater. (I'm still waiting for the next hot teen girl fad, My Zombie Boyfriend.) But still, vampires? Really? The movie really drops the ball when the gang of evil vampires show up; what results are a group of pathetic, repetitive and horribly unoriginal action scenes. The movie goes into ridiculous overdrive halfway through; an odd but passable romance turns into a doofusy third-rate action flick/thriller? Gimme a break. Plus, am I missing something or don't vampires vant to suck (your blood)? Would a movie about an anthrapomorphic wood louse falling in love with a teen girl be erotic too?

I might also bitch that I find it difficult to see what's so romantic about their relationship. Now, if the movie could own up to what it is, we might have something here. Bella and Edward have a ferocious sexual attraction towards one another, but there's no real depth to their relationship - it's just two pretty teens getting all hormonal over each other. Bella's reaction to finding out Edward is one of the hungry dead is hysterical: "OMG, you're an undead blood-sucker? Whatev, let's make out!" Yeah, real believable. They fall fiercely in love after exchanging some foreboding looks across the lunch room, also believable. Of course, Edward's skin sparkles like glitter when he's exposed to the sun - just like real-life again! My God, I love this movie coz it's so realistic! (Especially the part where the dorky kid who asks Bella to the prom gets cock-blocked. That scene is almost documentary-like based on my own experiences, but now I'm venting, and at the risk of engaging in mean-spirited misogynist ranting...)

I guess what I'm saying is, that if this movie dealt with its subject matter seriously, it might have some value. But instead, it tries to treat Bella and Edward's relationship as an eternal, epochal romance rather than the hormonally-charged mutual lust it really is. Whatever, if I want to see romance I'm not going to turn to a teen movie.

Not to mention that Edward seems like, dare I say it, rather a pervert. If a forty year old janitor with three toes, a glass eye, a weird mole with a hair growing out of it, and a Mexican accent, would be stalking a teen girl, that would be icky, right? Well, I guess it's okay if a studly handsome teen guy who's a fucking vampire does it (sneaking into her bedroom and watching her sleep - how romantic), and then rants about how he's attracted to her "smell" and vants to suck her blood. I'm sorry, am I missing something here? To his credit he tries to warn Bella away, but his actions the rest of the film are less amiable. I think her dad has the right idea loading up his shotgun when he shows up at the front door. No studly guy with shining skin is ever up to any good.

Of course, for his part, one might keep in mind Robert Duvall's line from The Eagle Has Landed:

"A wink from a pretty girl rarely results in climax, but a man is foolish not to push a suggestion as far as it can go."

But that doesn't make him anymore likeable. In fact, he's a studly but wooden blank slate with no emotions or chemistry. But anyway...

One other thing I want to bitch about: What's wrong with the gang of dorky but likeable teens who accept Bella with open arms the moment she shows up in Plastic Fork City? Presumably we're supposed to be ridicule them, but why? What did they do to earn her (and our) scorn? We can't all be walking corpses, Bella - sorry. I thought the loser kids were rather likeable myself, but hey - I'm not that cool myself. Nor am I a necrophiliac, like Bella and this film's legions of fans, but you know what? I'm cool with that.

Now, the one thing I did like about the movie was Kristen Stewart. She is breath-takingly gorgeous and her performance is surprisingly good, considering the character she's playing. I imagine my reaction to her was similar to the girls' feelings for Robert Pattinson; okay, it wasn't really. I didn't think it was a great movie because Ms. Stewart is hot. But man, she was something.

Otherwise, there's nothing more I want to say. The cinematography is nice sometimes but ruined by too much CGI and too many stupid whooshing-camera music video effects. On the whole, the film is not even so bad that I can really tear into it. It's just a big heaping plate of mediocrity, that hopefully will be filtered out of my mind at it's earliest convenience. However, I will never unfortunately get my $10 back. I won't miss the two hours, but the money I will very much.

Man, I really should have gone to see The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. Or seen Australia again. Or gouged my eyes out. Or even stayed in my dorm and studied. It was an awful day, and I'm an idiot. I don't even care how incoherent this review is - this movie doesn't deserve coherence. And on that note: ajl;dfladjf0239u85894gr

Rating: 4/10 - Avoid (unless you're a horny, sexually repressed teen with no cinematic taste at all)