The Tablet recently had a letter from someone in Grasmere alleging that some parishioners, in the absence of the parish priest, who was unable to attend Mass, carried on with Mass regardless and said a joint prayer over the bread and wine on the Altar in his absence. Nobody knows if this story is true. If it is, then its terribly worrying. If it isn't then its terribly worrying anyone should make it up.
Still, even though its a shocking story, I've decided that it has set an important precedent and from now on, I'm going to buy a load of hosts myself and start a 'Transubstantian for Beginners Workshop: How to Get More Out of Your Eucharistic Prayer.' Join me, Laurence England, as I take you through the ins and outs of lay priestly participation, so that if the priest doesn't turn up for Mass, you, as a layperson who thinks s/he has the sudden special God-given charism of doing what only a Priest can do since being given power from on High through a Bishop, will know what to do. Here is a rough guide to the workshop.
9:00 a.m. Breakfast and a short prayer
9:15 a.m. First talk: Transubstantiation: What is that?
9:30 a.m. Break: A pause for fags, coffee, digestives and a period of The Tablet burning/shredding.
12:30 p.m. Second Talk: 'Only an ordained Priest has the authority to consecrate. But is that really true? Yes, most certainly, it is, so don't try because it is insulting to God and the holy Office of the Priesthood.'
12.31 p.m. End of Workshop: Optional The Tablet burning/shredding continuing throughout the afternoon and late into the night. Free plastic Rosary for everyone who attends, blessed in Latin by local parish priest.
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