1. Car Wash. Stand at Western Road traffic lights with a bucket and a sponge in your hand and wash cars that stop at red. Ask for a donation from the driver. In true Christian charity, insult them vociferously if they refuse to pay up. If you can dress up like the ladies in the picture, then all the better, as it will bring in more cash. It doesn't matter if people call you a squeegee merchant. All that matters is the Building Fund. If you have a copy of the 70's disco classic, 'Car Wash' playing on a battery-powered stereo then all the better.
2. Apple Chutney. You know that apple chutney your Grandma makes every year, that you and all your friends love. Well, this stuff is dynamite and will sell by the truckload. Obtain by stealth the 'secret family recipe' and sell it at an inflated price outside your parish Church. Almost overnight, you will have halved the amount needed by your parish Building Restoration Fund.
3. Poker Night! Consider yourself as a bit of a Robert DeNiro, or even a Sharon Stone? Well, you could be! Organise a parish poker night and invite people from inside and outside the parish to attend. Entry fee is £5 for a night of fun and vice with potential winnings for the lucky victors. Potential winnings that is, because you know, having watched the films, that all the best casinos take the winners of large amounts outside and give them a hiding if they leave with the loot. In true Christian charity, ensure that there are no winners but the building fund and watch the stakes get higher! Draw upon quotes from other gangster films such as Scarface and tell people, with white powder on your nose, in no uncertain terms, "Don't f*** with me!", preferably after you've laid down your full house.
4. Spiritual Healing! Yes, you heard me! Everybody knows that spiritual healing is a load of tripe made up by a bunch of charlatans to get money out of people who feel a bit queer and emotional. Why let those quacks take all the money when your parish has over a hundred new agers just ready to fleece the public with dodgy 'energy field' practises which make people feel relaxed afterwards, primarily because you got them to lie down for a while, and which make them come back a week later because they're not feeling very relaxed again. This really is a strong area to get £50 out of some poor sucker who is feeling under the weather. I mean, what about massage? You may not be a qualified masseur/euse, but you know the basics! Advertise in the local Friday-Ad and charge a bucket for a rub down. In order to make yourself appear more authentic, buy a cucumber from Tescos and get some pebbles from Brighton beach to put on your 'patient's' back as they lay on their front! Quids in! Tell other people about the healing colour of orange, giving them each an orange. To each of them say, "Your future looks bright...Yes, your future looks orange. Orange is the colour of healing." Read the palms of other patients and tell them that they're all going to become Catholic...if you say it enough times, embed the idea in their subconscious...and pray for them, then maybe they will!
5. Penitents in Stocks! If there is one thing every parish Church has, it is penitent sinners, since the Church is the hospital of sinners. There should, therefore be ample volunteers for 'Penitents in Stocks'! Take your penitents down to Churchhill Square with your stocks and rack 'em up. While the public have plenty of time for seeing young offenders doing community service in orange bibs, the old lust for watching grown men and women doing public penance while thinking, "I'm glad I'm not like him/her!" is due a revival. The mob will at first be localised to your church parishioners, who momentarily forget the Lord's compassionate treatment of the adultress from the Gospels, but the hysteria will soon sweep up believers and non-believers alike in cacophonic spite and derision at the sins of the redeemed. Charge £5 per viewing. Everyone's a winner! The penitent is able to expiate his past sins and seek the public humiliation for which his soul so longs, while the mob will be happy to feast upon the sins of the poor soul. Believe me, the coffers of the Building Fund will be overflowing with £5 notes before you can say, "Ah God! Be merciful to me, a sinner!" I'll go first...Anyone else? Anyone?
6. Chatlines! Ah, so many lonely chaps and chapesses out there looking for friendship, fun and 'more'. Why not cater to the temporal and spiritual needs of the masses by setting up parish chatlines with all the proceeds going to the Building Fund. Gay chatlines, straight chatlines, bi chatlines, lesbian chatlines...the market is out there just waiting! No matter what the chatline, you can use the opportunity to make money for the Building Fund, while bringing more unsuspecting callers to the Catholic Faith, even though they called the number advertised as 'XXX Hot Gay Chat', telling them that that service is currently unavailable, but that they have, fortunately got through to the 'Immaculate Heart of Mary Chatline' and this call could really change their lives. Whatever you do, don't tell them you are wearing slippers, an old knitted jumper and that you are listening to the Very Best of Perry Como.
7. Shoe Shiner. Ah the good old days, when businessmen could have their shoes shined by an honest working class citizen in a suit, who would always know his station and wish you a good day. He was also a 'man of the street' who could give police inspectors vital information on the latest movements of the criminal underworld for an extra couple of bob. Bring the good old days back by setting up some shoe polishing equipment outside Brighton station. You've got the cap, you've got the mock cockney accent, you've got the polish, so now shine the shoes of the good working people of Brighton, even if the recession is causing the working population to decrease steadily and progressively every day. For the sandal wearing hippy community of Brighton you can use this on the hard skin of men and women for whom washing is an annual event.
Believe me, this implement works! I used it the other day and it actually feels like I have brand new feet!
8. Soda Bread. Making bread is hard isn't it? That's what I thought until I popped out of the house the other day and my mum had my girlfriend making soda bread in the space of an hour! Here's the recipe. Sell it around the clock outside your parish church and watch the cash flow in. This stuff will sell like, err, hot, err, bread. Here is the recipe.
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