Hi, there! I'm speaking to you as I visit some random school somewhere in the United States of America. As your new President, I feel like the first day back at school, or for some of you, your very first day at school, is a great opportunity to show you how I want my influence to extend to every sphere of public life and to ram down your throat just how much I depend on your obedience and the acceleration of an ever more bizarre and disturbing cult of personality, revolving around me, which I want to be embraced by even you, school children aged 5 - 16, because you guys are the future!
I'm addressing you today to encourage you to really knuckle down this year and listen to my honeyed words, because I'm going to need you and your support if I am going to build this country into a despotic socialist utopia in which every area of civic life is under the control of my increasingly tyrannical government, and, of course, also to wish you good luck in your education...but mostly me and my henchmen want your minds so that over a period of a few years we can indoctrinate you with state public policy, the likes of which my predecessor George Bush Jnr could never have dreamt of getting away with, because everybody hated his guts, totally understandably.
The main thrust of my message today is that if you want to be like me and succeed against the odds in a romantic, American dream, my-back-was-up-against-it-but-I-fought-to-the-top-even-though-I'm-black way, then you are going to have to work hard. Real hard! It might also help to get picked up by powerful and highly influential global shakers and movers like shadowy-political-machiavellian-man, Zbigniew Brzezinski, at some point in your adult life and then to get funded to the hilt by big banks, big business and big abortion providers. But, leaving the biographical stuff not included in the 'Audacity of Hope' to one side, most of all, I want you to work for me, because I'm your dear leader and you can tell by my kind eyes and charming smile how much you mean to me. Heck! I love kids! Everyone knows how much I love kids because I would never want to see anyone who had an 'accident' punished with a baby! Without you, my vision of an America of which Stalin would be proud will never be accomplished.
Remember my story and how inspirational I am and that will help you to do it, for yourselves, for your families, for your country, but mostly for me, look into my eyes, look into my eyes, I know you are in love with me, just admit it.
Yes, I'm thinking of so many people who looked set for under-achievement but fought to get where they are today who now have shedloads of money and an incredible career. I'm thinking of popular atheletes, rap stars and men and women who, thanks to their great gifts for scientific enquiry are now working on how to harvest body parts from human embryos. The greatest gift is life, and here in the Democrat party, we want to use that gift as much as we can in an horrendous Orwellian future in which we breed humans to that we can use their DNA and body parts in the name of scientific advancement. Some of you may think that is like something from a science fiction horror movie, but remember kids, nobody made achievements without some sacrifice. If I'm asking you to sacrifice children in laboratories in 5 years time, it is only because I believe in the potential of humanity and what great things we can do in the name of progress.
You, also, might need to make sacrifices in order to achieve success in this brave new America. That is why I'm insisting that Planned Parenthood, who as I say, gave me a truly staggering amount of money while I was fundraising for my nomination, have access to US public funds so that they can base more abortion centres around the United States, because, kids, if there is one thing that gets in the way of getting to the top, it is having children and I don't want to see any of you hardworking future lawyers, doctors and succesful athletes and pop stars punished with a baby, when you could be making progress in life. Can we do it!? Yes, we can! Don't ask me how, because, frankly, 5-10 years ago this country would have been in civil war over the kind of policies I'm promoting, but thanks to the increased secularisation of this once Christian country, there's no stopping me.
So, remember kids, enjoy your new term and your education and don't be surprised if I come back and you have to listen to me addressing you again in an unsettlingly Maoist fashion, as I give you more encouragement for hard work in whatever series of 'compulsory' 'voluntary' projects I have dreamt up with Rahm Emmanuel and my version of Dr Mengele, Science Czar John Holdron, who's reputation, for some strange reason, is left untainted in the mass media, even though independent websites are near screaming references from his own book, in which he speaks of his desire to see eugenics, infanticide, mass murder, sterilisation and a cap on the number of children you can have all implemented in the name of the environment. Some people think he's a monster, but he isn't. He's a beacon of what we can achieve as a country if we've got the right person to sell it to the masses; the friendly face of neo-liberal totalitarianism. That's me, your President, Barack Hussein Obama. God bless you, kids, remember to tell your parents how inspirational this speech was, and God bless America
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