Coming Attractions - Summer 2012

"Yes, Groggy, *everything* stinks!"

Dear readers, the summer blockbuster season is upon us! Be prepared for four months of unnecessary sequels, superhero flicks, insipid remakes and mindless action films. Sound cynical? You betcha!

I'll do this article slightly different than last fall's edition, eg. a brief rundown of each film released from May to August. This means I get to opine obnoxiously about films I won't be seeing!

Summer 2012: The Reckoning

The Avengers (May 4th) - A gaggle of Marvel superheroes team up to fight "a new enemy that is threatening the safety of the world." Well that's comforting. I liked a few of the Marvel films while disliking others but this movie just seems too top-heavy to work. With all the hype surrounding it, is there any way The Avengers isn't an amazing colossal disappointment?

LOL (May 4th) - OMG WTF a Miley Cyrus film srsly? 5 yrs 2 l8 grrl. ROFLMAO.

Dark Shadows (May 11th) - Looks like another wacky (eg. stupid) gothic horror comedy courtesy of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. Anyone want to bet I'm wrong?

The Dictator (May 16th) - Sacha Baron Cohen tries to find new ways to offend people. Next.

Battleship (May 18th) - The only way this could be worthwhile is if Liam Neeson says "You sunk my battleship!" while socking someone in the face. Personally, I'm still waiting for Ridley Scott's Monopoly.

What to Expect When You're Expecting (May 18th) - A lousy comedy?

Men in Black 3 (May 25th) - I love Men in Black and the second one's decent, but I can't get worked up over a sequel ten years removed from its predecessor. Put it on the maybe pile.

Snow White and the Huntsman (June 1st) - Well, Charlize Theron is unquestionably greater than Julia Roberts, so maybe this would be better than Mirror, Mirror. Oh wait, Kristen Stewart. Pass.

Piranha 3DD (June 1st) - Eat me.

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted (June 8th) - Weren't the first two bad enough?

Prometheus (June 8th) - This long-awaited prequel to Alien actually has promise. Given that this is the Ridley Scott who more recently gave us Body of Lies and Robin Hood, I'm not holding my breath.

Rock of Ages (June 15th) - Hey look, a musical! Pass.

That's My Boy (June 15th) - Hey look, an Adam Sandler flick! Run away screaming.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (June 22nd) - The subject seems more appropriate to a 4:00 a.m. Adult Swim cartoon than a feature film. Seriously, doesn't deliberate stupidity get old after awhile?

Brave (June 22nd) - It's a Pixar movie so it will be at least watchable.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (June 22nd) - I must admit I like the idea of Keira Knightley being obliterated by an asteroid.

To Rome With Love (June 22nd) - Woody Allen's still alive?

G.I. Joe: Retaliation (June 29th) - I had seriously forgotten about the first G.I. Joe movie. Why bring up bad memories?

Madea's Witness Protection (June 29th) - Let's hope she stays there.

Magic Mike (June 29th) - Male strippers? Channing Tatum and Matthew McConoughey? All you need is Robert Pattinson and you've got a new Twilight film.

People Like Us (June 29th) - The story (dude must deliver will money to estranged sister) doesn't sound promising. But what the hell, I'll take that over a sequel.

The Amazing Spider-Man (July 3rd) - Good Lord, wasn't the last Spider-Man flick just five years ago? Can we expect a Fantastic Four reboot next summer?

Katy Perry: Part of Me 3D (July 5th) - Don't you see? You're not making 3D better, you're making pop music worse!

Savages (July 6th) - An Oliver Stone thriller/crime film might have been interesting... in 1992. What year is it again?

Ice Age: Continental Drift (July 13th) - Jesus H. Christ, I wasn't kidding.

Ted (July 13th) - From the creator of Family Guy... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The Dark Knight Rises (July 20th) - Batman Begins was awful. The Dark Knight was watchable. If the trend continues this flick might actually be good. If nothing else I can try and spot Pittsburgh locations *and* my friends who were extras in this film.

Neighborhood Watch (July 27th) - Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, sci-fi comedy. What could possibly go wrong?

Step Up Revolution (July 27th) - Hey look, a sequel!

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (August 3rd) - Hey look, a sequel!

The Bourne Legacy (August 3rd) - Hey look, a sequel!

Total Recall (August 3rd) - Hey look, a remake! With Colin Farrel playing Arnold Schwarzenegger's role! Huh?

The Campaign (August 10th) - Why watch a political spoof with a Presidential election heating up? Mitt Romney's certainly funnier than Will Ferrell.

The Expendables 2 (August 17th) - Hey look, a sequel! Stop STOP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY STOP!!!!

My will to snark has been broken. See you lot in the fall, I'll be Netflixing all summer.