If you must visit a mosque or temple, here's what you must do

                       Granny Linen's Ecumenical Pork Pies are always popular


This is a key list of essential items or acts that you should  take with you or do if you are unfortunate enough to attend a school that has a lay chaplain or be a member of a parish that has a nutjob as a parish leader who desires to lead you down the rose petal strewn pathway to Perdition.

If you are going to do this visit, at least do it well, here's your list:-

1. Rosary - to be worn openly around your neck

2. Bottle of holy water - 'sprinkling' is widely accepted as a sign of friendship

3. Selection of foods, pork pies and bacon sandwiches are especially popular

4. One or two bottles of Reverend James or some lesser brew - it's ecumenical to share

5. Carry a copy of Geoffrey Hindleys 'A brief history of the Crusades' under your arm

6. Remember to hug and kiss your hosts enthusiastically one both cheeks,
     ten times - the kiss of peace is internationally welcomed

7. Hand out copies of "The Catechism of the Catholic Church" to all you meet

8. Sing the 'Salve Regina' loudly as you leave

9. Finally, and most importantly, remember to carry your "I am a Catholic, please inform
    a Catholic priest in the event of an accident" card.