What Will You Do in Reparation for Tina Beattie?

Catholics line up to make reparation for Tina Beattie...

Tina Beattie is going out of her way to make average Catholics into Saints by making horrendous and sacrilegious statements in her books concerning the Mass.

In what must only be a cry for help, her latest musings liken the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass to hot man-on-man action.

Will you rise to the Tina Beattie challenge?

What will you do in reparation for her latest blasphemies?

Just hours after the news of Beattie's remarks on the Mass, one Polish Catholic has already exiled himself to Siberia. A woman in Hythe has committed to stepping out of her morning cold shower before work to be greeted by a bathmat of venomous snakes and drawing pins. In Scotland, a man has decided to make a pilgrimage to Walsingham on his knees, a fact made more extraordinary only by the fact he has only one leg. Another man is off to Iran with an A-board which reads, 'I'm a homosexual, want to make something of it?' In Roehampton, where Dr Beattie works as a lecturer on Catholic Studies, Catholics are already lining up to tread slowly on hot coals, saying, 'We are doing this so that these hot coals may serve for Tina's salvation, rather than, well, you get the gist...'

Dr Beattie, astonished by the outpourings of Christian love towards her shown by Catholics across the World was not available for comment, but did issue a press release from her University department which read, simply, 'Nutters!'