Achieving the unthinkable - feeding a zombie

When I wrote the first of my 'zombie' posts this week  realised that I was putting myself in the stocks by asserting that I had the answer as to how the church should reach out to that massive chunk of disaffected youth who have never known Jesus Christ other than as a casual blasphemy.

The truth is, I do not have a cast iron answer, but I do have a number of strategies which is, perhaps more than most Bishops have in their war chest.

For this initiative to be successful it requires government support and, possibly, even changes to legislation. It may also be an unpalatable fact that the initiative may not come in time for this generation, maybe we are aiming at those who are currently in the 12-14 age group and we have to forget their older brothers and sisters.

It is also much easier to state what will not work.

Priests dressing up in trainers and shellsuits won't work, youth clubs, won't work and heavy metal Masses won't work.
A zombie can smell condescension a mile off and remember, this group are the walking dead; to bring them back to life is going to take something more than a parish disco to wean them off blood sucking.

OK, let me assert a few 'facts' from my limited experience of "yoof".

Firstly, as my friend Andy used to say: "If you scare them half to death and they enjoy it, they won't want to vandalise a phone box ever again."
 Andy runs an outward bound centre and specialises in taking zombies young people with behavioural problems, out to sea in very small rubber boats, RIBS as they are called.
 They spend a day clinging to bits of rope, white knuckled and white faced, whilst ploughing through vicious waves as can only be experienced off the most westerly part of the Pembrokeshire coast - the area of sea is known on maps as "The Bitches" and that says it all.

This then is the foremost spanner in my toolkit. Take a programme such as the Duke of Edinburgh's Award Scheme, (except that this will be the Prince William Achievement Scheme) make it mandatory for all and adapt it so that it is focused on achievements that include passing a series of 'experience' tests. Things such as taking a kayak up a mountain stream, living off the land (yes, really) for 3 days, climbing a cliff, coasteering (Google it), trekking cross country with horses and map reading thrown in for good measure.

The last module they will have to complete will be a three day stint at the local undertakers, cemetery or crematorium. They will do the gopher tasks but, most importantly, having experienced 'life' on the programme, they will now experience' death' - Oh Mummy! (or, Oh Mommy, if you are an American).

Now please be clear; this is not a boot camp regime I am advocating. They will start off hating it but end up loving it.

Why? Because this is the first step to them appreciating self respect - not self esteem, respect. And self respect, for this group is a pre-requisite to the process of understanding why they exist and who made it possible for them to exist.

This achievement scheme will be compulsory within the school system and will carry a qualification rating equivalent to 3 GCSEs.

But that is not the end of it, it is only just beginning. After they finish school and before they start work, University or the benefits system they will have to do  a 6 month assignment that will involve them in a range of community and good citizen type projects. This will be followed by a further 6 month period spent in a hospital, care home or similar environment and one month of that time must be spent in a hospice.
The state will pay them for doing this. It will have the rating of a National Diploma vocational qualification.

Yes, you heard correctly, they will receive a retainer for undertaking this one year programme, paid by month but restrospectively.
Have a cold for two days and fail to attend and you won't get your monthly allowance.

But, but you cry....how can the country afford it?....and what on earth has it got to do with evangelising in the first place?

Well, the country can afford it because it will then not have to pay out benefits for these people (many of whom would remain on benefits for the rest of their lives).
The country will not have to pay out in terms of crime prevention and drug abuse schemes, they will not be needed to the same degree and the country will not have to pay out for the massive amount of damage caused by anti social behaviour.

And as for evangelisation?  Well once a sense of self respect has been engendered, the desire to play computer games around the clock or watch endless television quenched and an awareness of their fellow man  embedded, the real bringing to life process begins (more on that next week).

Of course, you say: "It will never happen - the lefties won't stand for it, there will be rioting on the streets" But....we have that already!

How do you evangelise a Zombie?

I have worked, during most of my career with young people aged from 16 years of age up to 24 and beyond. They came from all sorts of backgrounds and had all sorts of beliefs or none at all.

A third of them were excellent students, well behaved and diligent. Another third were just there; they existed, they scraped through their assignments and they finally passed through the system (I can identify with that sector, I was like that in my time so don’t give up hope on them  completely).

The final third are the walking dead; some College staff referred to them as “the knuckledraggers” – what unkind person could have used that phrase?

But, it was true. They grunted at times, they were, largely, unwashed, they could not actually string a sentence together and they could not hold a knife and fork.
 They could not tell you who Churchill was let alone Jesus Christ.

Amazing but true.

The problem is, of course, that these are the children of the latch key kids generation.
Their parents came home after school (if they ever went there) to an empty house, not a home.

Food came from the freezer and was microwaved to an instantly edible mush. It was consumed in front of the television (porn videos from under dad’s side of the bed?) and it was eaten using only the fingers. Easier and it saved on the washing up.

If you think that I am painting a damning picture, you are right. But it is also true. And this is the next, evolved generation. The generation that are adept at playing computer games for 12 hours at a stretch, the generation that has lost the art of communication.

Now as Catholics we have a mission in life to lead others to Christ. Not in a Jehovary sort of way, that is crass. Not in a Protestant TV  evangelical sort of way, they wouldn’t watch it. And certainly not in a happy clappy, cheery wavy, Catholic charismatic sort of way. That way only fools the charismatics.

The Holy Father has charged the Bishops to evangelise in 2012 but I’ll bet you a meal for two at McDonalds that no attempt will be made to make contact with the massive numbers, possibly hundreds of thousands that I speak of.

Why? Because it’s hard. Because the number of clergy the Church has that are versed in communicating with young dissidents does not run into double figures, because the ideas cupboard is bare; not only bare, the Bishops have forgotten that it ever existed!

We need new ideas, new ways of approaching this group. They are so tragic, sleepwalking to Hell. They need saving.

But who will save them?

And more to the point – how will they be saved?

Watch this space for some attempt at answering this troubling situation in a few days time.

A Symposium on the shedding of blood, death and resurrection

Yes, a most important event for your calendar and it's at the prestigious University of Winchester (formerly known as King Alfred's College) and here you really have to see Left Footer's post, click here.

Dreaming spires, oak panelled studies
 and....blood on tap!

Now, as Catholics we are familiar with the phrases 'shedding of blood' and 'death and resurrection' - they are clear and unequivocal as far as we are concerned but, down in gentrified, leafy Hampshire they have a different meaning.

In Winchester those phrases mean......zombies! Yes, you read correctly, zombies, the living dead. I am not, of course referring to the inhabitants of that beautiful city or to Catholics of a certain westerly leaning but to a learned convention, a symposium no less that is due to be held on 28th October, but what the University authorities cleverly call a "Zombosium".
 I do love academic wit.

Here are the first two paras of the University's blurb on this learned event:

“Zombies now feature widely in film, television, new and social media, gaming, comics and literary texts,” said Dr Marcus Leaning, Lecturer in the School of Media and Film at the University of Winchester, who is organising the conference. “Our Zombosium has attracted more than 17 speakers from across the world, all anxious to share their research into this huge phenomenon.”

The keynote speaker at Zombosium is Dr Ian Conrich, Editor of the Journal of British Cinema and Television and a leading authority on contemporary horror cinema. Dr Conrich has written over 16 books and contributed to more than 50 books and journals. He will present a talk at the event titled An Infected Population: Zombie Culture and the Modern Monstrous.

end/................

Really, from reading this c**p one might almost believe that zombies exist.
There is really only one way to find out for certain.....attend the zombosium.

And my prediction for curriculum development at Winchester University.....remember you read it here first...a BSc in Zombie Studies!