God's Pigeon?

The Telegraph reports that, 'the 27-kilometer (16.8 mile) LHC suffered serious overheating in several sections after the small piece of baguette landed in a piece of equipment on the surface above the accelerator ring.

Dr Mike Lamont, the LHC’s Machine Coordinator, said that a “a bit of baguette”, believed to have been dropped by a bird, caused the superconducting magnets to heat up from 1.9 Kelvin (-271.1C) to around 8 Kelvin (-265C), near the mark where they stop superconducting.'

The Times journalist, Johnathon Leake mused upon whether the Large Hadron Collider's misfortunes can be put down to a Divine dislike of the scientific community's efforts to recreate the same conditions as at the Big Bang. Other less prominent thinkers are drawn to the theory that the Almighty is sabotaging the project in defense of human lives, since there is an outside chance that the gigantic and gigantically expensive project could create a wormhole through which the whole universe could be turned into goo and sucked into a void. Yet who can know the mind of the Lord?

However, the latest bird related drama to have hit the LHC has shed more light on the matter. The Thrill managed to grab an interview with the offending bird and upon being asked whether she was indeed, 'God's pigeon' she replied, "Of course, I'm God's pigeon. We're all God's pigeons. You ask whether I had a special mission and I can confirm that this is true. Basically one of the workers at the LHC was enjoying a BLT and I saw my chance and took it. I flew down, nicked a bit of his baguette and dropped it into the LHC by accident. I don't know, I felt compelled, because its my nature to scavenge for food wherever I can. Looking back, I feel I had a special mission to disrupt this dangerous project, but only in hindsight. It wasn't like I felt a Voice telling me to do it or anything. Sometimes it is only in hindsight that you can see that this was the Lord's doing and I'm happy to have played my part. We pigeons don't have many fans, you know, but the pigeon community now rejoices that it was one of us, probably a widely despised species, often considered vermin. You know, if there is any evidence for the Fall, then many point to us pigeons and say, 'Yep, look, evidence for the Fall.' Still, that said, looking back, it is ironic that such a despised creature was chosen by God to knock down, once more, this Tower of Babel Collider."

"Mamma, Take This Badge From Me..."

So sang a young Bobby Dylan. But the words of 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door' could be prophetic when the King of Rock, that is the Rock of St Peter, Pope Benedict XVI arrives next year to reconvert this beleagured and forlorn once Christian nation.

You can hire these badge-making machines from the Resource Centre in Brighton for a very small fee and spend a weekend making 'Come to Papa! The 2010 Tour!' Pope Benedict badges for the Faithful to wear when His Holiness arrives on our shores in Brighton, because, as everyone knows, no town in the UK is as eager to see the Pope as this one.

Just an idea and it could potentially raise loads of funds for the building fund. Also, if you were feeling really innovative and wanted to squeeze some more money out of Brightonians, especially atheists and Tablet reading Catholics you can make less effusive badges with a picture of the Pope on them, reading, 'I'm really not that enamoured by the Holy Father, but he is an important World figure so I guess its okay for him to be here. I mean, at least he's alive, unlike those Relics..."

Dawkins Vs God: 'Ding Ding, Round One!'

Commentator 1: “Well, you join us here at a packed arena, full of the great, the good and the downright grotesquely wealthy. Tonight's big fight, Richard 'The Godbuster' Dawkins Vs God, brought to you by our sponsors, 'Fry's Chocolate Cream'. Jim, what do you think tonight has in store for us?”

Commentator 2: "This fight has been brewing for quite a long time, John. Simmering rivalries and tensions unite these two combatants in mutual distrust and suspicion. It's incredible really. In one corner of the ring you have Dawkins, a ferocious competitor, unbeaten in a career spanning years in the ring of atheism, so certain and self-assured, after a somewhat less lucrative and more obscure period in scientific research into the pecking habits of chickens, and then, on the other, Almighty God Who doesn't seem to be so impressed with money, saying in His pre-match press conference that His Kingdom was not of this World. I don't know what He meant by that. John can you shed any light on that?"

Commentator 1: “You have me beat there, Jim. I guess time will tell what He meant. Yes, Jim. It's a thriller – a real clash of the titans. I for one can't wait to see who emerges victorious. Dawkins seemingly has the upper hand, and let's face it, in what is a 'survival of the fittest' match-up, the good money would be on Dawkins, but you can never rule the Lord out and as He has proved so many times, just when you think He is down, he comes back gloriously and totally against the odds! Bookies say he doesn't have a prayer, but many people are still keeping the Faith in times when it seems most unlikely! Dawkins has come out to Tina Turner's 'Simply the Best'.”

Commentator 2: “A classic John. That's classic Turner. You know, I don't know how she coped with Ike. He was so nasty to her. A real control freak! Still, the all-forgiving Lord has entered the ring now to a small group of Carthusian monks singing the Te Deum. The Lord as His usual humble Self is going for something less grand. He's so humble, the Lord, He doesn't do all the grandstanding and obscene, self-serving posturing Dawkins goes in for. Still, you've got to hand it to Dawkins, what with all that money, status and publicity he's accrued from his fighting career, he's bound to have let some of the hype go to his head. I hear he's even written an autobiography. What was it called again? Oh yes, the God De-”

Ding ding, round one...

Commentator 2: “And round one is under way! Dawkins comes out of his corner fighting! The Lord appears nervous as if confronted with a gross and evil ideology. Dawkins issues a right hander, well defended by the Lord. The Lord is doing well, moving in, a bit of ducking and diving and giving Dawkins a little glare every now and then almost as if He is teasing him a little but quite lovingly.”

Commentator 1: “To me, at the moment this match looks even Stephens. They're checking each other out, you know. I don't know. We know that Dawkin's research into the ways and moves of the Lord are not the best. You can see this by his almost total neglect of the Life of Christ in his studies and concentration on the processes by which nature works, which, let's face it, if we all thought and acted like that we'd be killing each other for each others land, property and valuables near daily.”

Commentator 2: “That's a thought provoking insight, John. He does seem to neglect the existence of a Moral Law handed down generation to generation and, in his pursuit of scientific and empirical analysis of data forgets that the Lord's ways are actually beyond his comprehension.”

Commentator 1: “Yes, its even at the moment, all square. Did you know, Jim, that my wife makes the most tremendous apple crumble? She made it for me and the kids last night and I can tell you, it was something el-”

Commentator 2: “What's this?! Dawkins has the Lord on the ropes. Oh my! Its almost as if God has turned in on Himself and contradicted His own Nature. It is almost as if the Lord is allowing Himself to be defeated by the power of Evil. Well, John, this is unheard of! The Lord isn't fighting back! What do you make of it?”

Commentator 1: “The is quite unprecedented! We all know how powerful the Lord is and His ways are not like ours, His thoughts beyond our comprehension, but I've never seen this before. Talk about turning the other cheek! The Lord is accepting every blow that Dawkins lands upon his tender and sacred Head.”

Commentator 2: “Oh my Word. This is a bloodbath. The Lord is really taking a battering out there. Thank God for the bell!”

Commentator 1: “Well, I don't know how the Lord is going to carry on with this. How can this be the God we know? The God of Wrath and Power? The Almighty? The God of Flood and Fire?! An almighty mess more like! He's fallen down, once, if not twice, perhaps thrice but still keeps going. He's being aided there by His assistant, Simon Cyrene, who appeared at first reluctant to help but decided to take compassion on God made flesh and utterly vulnerable. I know His Mother is watching right now. What must be going through her mind, John?”

Commentator 2: “Well it must be agonising for her, Jim. She's watched over Him all of her life, cradled Him in her arms, seen Him grow and become a Man and seen Him minister to and heal thousands in His time. What is more, His supporters at this point seem to have fled, almost denying they even know Him. The whole crowd appear on Dawkin's side. Only one or two seem loyal to Him. Men and women are cursing Him and even those He helped are spitting upon him there in the stands.”

Ding ding, Round 2...

Commentator 1: “Dawkins is still going in for the kill. He can taste blood. The Lord looks tired and weak. Utterly defenseless and vulnerable. He looks a sight. I can't believe the medics haven't been called in yet. Yes, he's overwhelming the Lord with punches. The Lord is dazed and confused but still carries on. How much longer can this Tragedy go on?”

Commentator 2: “He's taking it all upon Himself, John. All Dawkin's venom and rage against Him. He's taking it. I don't know how Someone so Innocent and Pure, Good and Humble can be led like this, like a Lamb to the slaughter.”

Commentator 1: “He's fallen down again. The Lord can't take much more of this. Surely the ref has to call time on this.”

Commentator 2: “He's getting crucified out there, John.”

Commentator 1: “It's the final blow, surely. It's a knockout. Dawkins has landed a right hand, then a left firmly into the Lord. Even His feet seem to be pinned down. He's stretched out on the floor as if uniting Heaven to Earth by a sublime and supreme Sacrifice. There's no getting up from this. He's out cold.”

Commentator 2: “Dawkins has nailed Him! How could this have been allowed to happen? Dawkins is standing over Him. He's shouting at Him, “You don't exist! You don't exist! You're a fairy tale! You're just a man! You're weak! Weak! It's the survival of the fittest!”

Commentator 1: “The Lord is grounded. Almost dead to the World, if you like. Dawkins is standing over Him triumphantly and lauding it all over Him. The ref is about to count Him out. He's calling time and surely Dawkins will be declared the winner of this epic contest. The Lord appears utterly disfigured, Jim, a Man of Sorrows, One from whom men turn their faces. O, Jim, see if there is any sorrow like His sorrow!”

One, two, three...

Commentator 2: “Oh my God! What is this!? The Lord has revived! It's a Miracle! He's back from the dead! Dawkins is so stunned by the Lord's very apparent Resurrection that he's left floored! This is unprecedented! I've never seen this before! Dawkins is weeping! He's given in! He's thrown in the towel! My, oh my, John, who would have thought it!? The Lord wins and yet He didn't even throw a punch!”

Commentator 1: “This is unbelievable. I've been in this game for decades now and I've never seen this happen. The crowd have gone wild. I've never seen someone win a fight without laying a finger on the opponent. This is incredible! Dawkins is ashen-faced and humbled. Stunned, it appears. It just goes to show you can never underestimate the Lord God Almighty. How many times have we ruled Him out, Jim, yet He keeps coming back!”

Commentator 2: “Indeed. It just goes to show that true strength is in total and utter dependence on God. Also that strength is in love and not in power and knowledge. Some things are inexplicable and Dawkins did not account for this in his preparations. Not one bit! There are so many theological implications to this Crucifixion and Resurrection story that Mystics and Saints will be writing about this for years to come. The nature of love, the nature of Man, the fragility of the human condition, the consequences of evil and the all-powerful love of the Redeemer...Stunning scenes here at the arena! We'll try and get an interview with the fighters...”

Commentator 1: “So, Richard, how could you have lost that fight? Everything seemed to be going your way.”

Richard 'The Godbuster' Dawkins: “I don't understand it. I had Him! I had Him there and then suddenly He just came back from the dead! I'm flummoxed! I'd done my research but all credit to the Man, He had something I didn't. I guess that something was Divinity.”

Commentator 2: “I'm here with the Lord, after that incredible contest. A real David and Goliath story! Lord, how did that happe...Lord?!...Lord...?! Well, would you believe it?! He's disappeared and gone up as in a cloud as if returning back to the Eternal Father! Well...what can you say? Never one to seek publicity, the Lord God Almighty has vanished out of human sight. Unbelievable scenes here at the arena! John?"

Commentator 1: “Oh my, oh my, oh my. The crowd are lapping it up, Jim. The Lord's victory over sin and death seems to be final. A spontaneous outburst of 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot' has erupted from the stands. There we have it! Dawkins has been humiliated! The Lord having been glorified through His Suffering Servant. What a debt of gratitude and thanks we owe the Lord for this stunning victory over the power of Evil. May we all learn from His example!”

Commentator 2: “I think we'll be hearing a lot more from the Lord. His followers, I expect, will increase in number and strength.”

Commentator 1: “The Lord, it seems, has the Keys to Death and the Netherworld. He is the Resurrection and the Life! You have to admit, He was always going to have an advantage over Dawkins on that front. Jim?”

Commentator 2: “Astonishing, John. This event will go down in history, so much so, that people might have to restart the calendar...Incredible. A real night to remember. People will be telling their grandchildren about this for years to come...Join us after the break for more reflections on this breathtaking victory in which Love conquered all...even the hardest sceptics and doubters!”

'The Big Match, brought to you by 'Fry's Chocolate Cream'...a Heavenly temptation.'

A Bridge Too Far

Richard Attenborough's 1977 adaptation of Cornelius Ryan's book on the disastrous Operation Market-Garden is one of the last of the all-star, huge-scale World War II epics (after The Longest Day, Tora! Tora! Tora!, Battle of the Bulge and Midway, among many others), and arguably the best. As an old-fashioned war film brimming with excellent battle scenes and a star-studded cast, it succeeds in spades. Perhaps more pointedly though, it works as a fascinating study of a military failure - where bad planning, bad thinking and just plain bad luck contributed to one of the greatest Allied disasters of WWII. The movie has more than its share of huge-scale battle scenes, but no amount of heorics by our all-star cast can save the day.

September, 1944. The Allies have broken out of Normandy and liberated most of France; it seems that the war is at an end, with only problems in supply preventing a swift Allied victory. British Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery advocates a plan to end the war with a daring coup de main: under the direction of General Browning (Dirk Bogarde), British and American airborne forces will land behind enemy lines and seize three bridges over the Rhine River, while the XXX Tank Corps under General Horrocks (Edward Fox) will launch a simultaneous ground attack - thereby trapping the German Army in Holland and ending the war. The plan quickly goes awry; elements of General Urquhart's (Sean Connery) 1st Airborne are scattered, with Colonel Frost's (Anthony Hopkins) battalion trapped in Arnhem; Horrocks' men meet heavier-than-expected resistance from elite SS troops commanded by Field Marshalls Von Runstedt (Wolfgang Preiss), Bittrich (Maximillian Schell) and Model (Walther Kohut); and American units led by General Gavin (Ryan O'Neal) and Colonel Stout (Elliot Gould) are forced to improvise river crossings after their bridges are destroyed by the Germans. Through fierce fighting and sheer will, the Allies claw within an inch of success - but ironically, the closer the Allies get to success, the more apparent the scope of their failure becomes.

Attenborough depictss Market-Garden showing a combination of overconfidence, poor planning, and just plain bad luck foiling Market-Garden. General Browning in particular comes off very badly, ignoring intelligence from a junior officer (Frank Grimes) indicating that German forces are much stronger than anticipated, and brushing aside the skepticism of Polish General Sosabowski (Gene Hackman). No one in the Allied command thinks the attack will be anything but a success; after the smashing victories of the last three months, who could blame them? The German Army is in retreat; the Allies flushed with victory; the Dutch prematurely celebrating liberation. It seems ludicrous to even imagine that failure could occur at this moment in time, even with such a hairbrained scheme as Monty's.

However, reality intervenes time and again; Browning and company can ignore or silence intelligence officers and skeptical generals, but wishful thinking cannot overcome reality. When German troops turn out to be crack SS Panzer units, everyone present realizes that things are going to be very difficult, expectations aside. Bad communication, bad weather, bad drop zones, bad roads and fierce German resistance all show that Montgomery's plan - difficult even in the best of circumstances - is simply leading to a monumental disaster. The fact that the attack comes within a hair's breadth of success makes failure all the more painful. Allied success would come a few months later, but only at the cost of hundreds of thousand more lives.

Attenborough handles the battle scenes with aplomb, making them both entertaining and gruesome; we're engrossed enough in the spectacle and characters to cheer for the Allies, even if we know the cavalry will not get through in time. Certainly the movie has enough excellent set pieces to keep it going - particularly the jaw-dropping parachute drops, American Sergeant Dohun's (James Caan) unlikely rescue of his badly-wounded Captain (Nicholas Campbell), and Major Gold's (Robert Redford) impromptu amphibious assault on the Nijmegen Bridge. Only a few mawkishly sentimental scenes towards the end (particularly the scene of wounded British soldiers singing on a hospital lawn) go a bit too far. The film can be enjoyed both ways: as a straight battle picture, and as a potent anti-war message.

British stars Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Edward Fox, Dirk Bogarde and Laurence Olivier give strong performances, each having enough time to register. A young Anthony Hopkins more or less steals the show; his restrained, down-to-Earth performance as Colonel Frost, trapped in Arnhem without hope of rescue, manages to standout even amongst such distinguished company. The American cast is less well-used; Robert Redford, James Caan, Gene Hackman and Elliot Gould have glorified cameos, though Redford and Caan at least have a scene or two to shine. Sadly the only American with much screen time is Ryan O'Neal - enough said I hope. Liv Ullman is fine in a small role, and German actors Hardy Kruger, Maximillian Schell, Walter Kohut and Wolfgang Preiss all do fine work.

A Bridge Too Far remains a high watermark for war films. Although it may not entirely succeed as an anti-war statement, it's an engrossing film regardless, and holds up better than most of its peers.

No Post Today...

...from the European Union HR department, that is. I can't think of anything much to say or write about, which for me is quite incredible. Instead, here's a beautiful if rather depressing Smiths number...He really has his finger on the pulse that Morrissey. That aside, stories worthy of note in today's press are:

Al Gore is about to become the World's first "Carbon Millionaire", while surely Tony Blair must be up there in the top 5 climate change money makers

A High Court judge will decide whether a baby with a rare muscular disease will live or die like some kind of God in a wig

A new movie will depict the life of the prophet Muhammed without actually depicting the prophet as a person, lest a fatwa be issued on the makers of the movie

The Horse's Mouth

The Horse's Mouth (1958) presents the great Sir Alec Guinness at the pinnacle of his career. Having become a star through the early films of David Lean and the quirky, immensely popular Ealing comedies, Guinness was an international superstar after his Oscar-winning role in Lean's Bridge on the River Kwai, and for a few years had his name above the title in films like Our Man in Havana, Tunes of Glory, and HMS Defiant. Guinness produced, co-wrote, and starred in this adaptation of Joyce Cary's novel, one of his finest achievements.

Gulley Jimson (Alec Guinness) is an eccentric, vulgar, misanthropic amateur painter who is struggling to make ends meat. When he divorced his wife (Renee Houston), she took all of his paintings to settle a debt. His former patron, A.W. Alabaster (Arthur Macrae), won't return his calls (well, most of them are vulgar and threatening). Gulley finds a patron in Sir William Beeder (Robert Coote), who commissions him to make a wall mural. Aided by a cast of silly characters - his coarse but loving mistress Dee Coker (Kay Walsh), an obnoxious sculptor (Michael Gough), an air-headed model (Gillian Vaughan) and Nosey (Mike Morgan), a naive admirer of his - Gulley struggles to fulfill his artistic desires in spite of everything.

Like many great comedies, The Horse's Mouth places its plot secondary to the characters, particularly Gulley. It has the anarchic spirit of Guinness's Ealing films, building on and arguably surpasses it. Like Charlie Chaplin's Little Tramp, Jacques Tati's Monsieur Hulot, Peter Sellers' Inspector Clouseau, Rowan Atkinson's Mr. Bean, and other classic comedy figures, Gulley bumbles from one situation to another; however, it is not naive clumsiness (for the most part), but deliberate design. Gulley flaunts societal rules and weasels his way into high society, taking advantage of societal politeness to get what he wants. Unlike most such characters, however, he has a goal - to create art. It makes him short-sighted, narrow-minded, and arrogant - as he realizes in a brief moment of clarity - but that hardly matters to him. Even when Gulley becomes recognized for his work towards the end, he remains unsatisfied. Whether Gulley is a great artist is not the point (and he's pretty obviously not) - it's something he has to do, and he'll do much anything to express himself.

Alec Guinness shows his full talent as an actor and comedian. His biggest asset as an actor is his versatility - he can play any character, regardless of class, position, personality, time period, even race and gender. Witness his eight-way performance in Kind Hearts and Coronets, his demented Professor Marcus (The Ladykillers), the mild-mannered criminal Holland (The Lavender Hill Mob), the naive idealist Sidney Stratton (The Man in the White Suit). And those are just his Ealing films. Guinness is an amazing actor, able to alter his appearance, voice, and the most subtle of mannerisms to create a whole new persona. Not only is Guinness a great actor, but also a fabulous comedian - able to use his abilities to create unforgettably amusing characters.

Gulley Jimson is a fascinating character. Not every actor could have pulled it off, but Guinness does so brilliantly. Guinness makes full use of his abilities - the raspy voice, which he alters at appropriate moments, his gestures and movements, which range from broad slapstick flailing to subtle facial and hand gestures. The supporting cast is good, particularly Kay Walsh at her Cockney best and Michael Gough's obnoxious sculptor - but it's Sir Alec's show the whole way.

The Horse's Mouth is a film that must be seen to be enjoyed. Its wonderful mix of anarchic, irreverent yet playful humor and one of the best performances by one of cinema's greatest actors will be a treat for any film fan.

Singin' in the Rain

Given my usual aversion to musicals, I approached Stanley Donen's (Charade) Singin' in the Rain (1952) with a large degree of caution. Surely this would be another example of my being annoyed or befuddled by a "classic" musical, right? Fortunately, though, Singin' in the Rain actually does live up to its reputation. A witty, fun and all-around entertaining piece of work, Rain is perhaps the musical for filmgoers who don't generally like musicals. Of course, even someone like myself is not a complete absolutist in this regard.

It's the mid-1920's, and dashing Don Lockwood (Gene Kelly) and gorgeous Lina Lamont (Jean Hagen) are two of Hollywood's biggest stars. Things change rapidly, however, when sound overtakes the cinema world - and Lockwood's broad acting and Lamont's high-pitched, ill-mannered voice make them ill-suited for the new technology. The disastrous premiere forces studio head RF Simpson (Millard Mitchell) to reshoot their current film as a musical - with Lockwood enlisting the help of his snarky sidekick Cosmo (Donald O'Connor) and spunky dancer-turned-love interest Kathy (Debbie Reynolds) to help things turn out right.

Singin' in the Rain is such a fun all-around film that only a churl could criticize it. The movie's interesting story - about the evolution of cinema, and the broken careers it leaves along the way - is well-portrayed; certainly it's more interesting and inventive than the predictable melodrama to be found in most Hollywood musicals. The script (by Adolph Green and Betty Comden) is full of wit and sharp dialogue, even if it occasionally falls back on obvious and unsubtle humor. Although most of the songs are borrowed from various other films and stage shows, they're well-staged with inventive dance numbers. As in most musicals, the art direction and costume design are without peer. Perhaps most of all, the appealing, well-played characters go a long way towards making the film such fun to watch, and the cast deserves most of the credit.

Gene Kelly is at his absolute best here. Already an iconic star of musicals, Kelly would become a cinema legend here. His dashing Everyman charm, comic timing and exceptional singing and dancing talent serve him perfectly; Kelly gives one of the best musical performances of all-time in this film. The adorable Debbie Reynolds and hilarious Donald O'Connor provide fine back-up for their star, each having their moment to shine. Cyd Charisse has a memorable extended cameo; Millard Mitchell (The Naked Spur) is good in his straight man role. Jean Hagen gets the scene-stealing role as the adorably oblivious Lina; the movie fails only in making her a villain in the later scenes, which seems unfair all things considered.

Singin' in the Rain is among the best Hollywood musicals. Admittedly not an overly prestigious title, in this writer's opinion, but the fact that I enjoyed it quite a bit should say something.