How to Steal a Million, Or: Proof That God (Or A God) DOES Exist

Audrey, you can watch me or you can join me. One of them's more fun.

Friday, May 23rd, 2008, 8:00 PM EST. I was a complete idiot who, that afternoon, had decided to satisfy my morbid curiosity and watch the remainder of the Billy Jack trilogy. Five hours later, I emerged completely depressed, almost on the verge of suicide, having watched five straight hours of pretentious, ridiculous, campy, hallucinatory, and painfully boring hippie propaganda. My horrific experience had scarred me for life; never again would I have faith in the ability of cinema to move, challenge, excite and inspire, let alone entertain me. And, at that, my world was at an end… Only thought of my family in the adjoining rooms prevented me from slitting my wrists with a Gillette disposable razor.

Okay, this is a BIT of an exaggeration. But yes, watching The Trial of Billy Jack and Billy Jack Goes to Washington back-to-back was, for lack of a better term, a rather depressing ordeal, since I didn‘t have any hallucinatory mushrooms around the house. Fortunately, my latest movie from Netflix arrived: a quaint, now-obscure little movie called How to Steal a Million. I had no particular expectations, merely a hope that this movie would live up to the fact of it.

What do I mean by that? Namely, that the two greatest movie stars in film history, Peter O’Toole and Audrey Hepburn, were in the film. Together. In the same scenes. As the leads. Who were love interests. For me, this was my idea of cinematic heaven, missing only a “Directed by David Lean” over the opening credits...

"Now, hang on Billy... Who is Groggy Dundee and why are we filming his fantasy?"

Even if the movie was utter crap, I would get mere enjoyment out of the mere fact that Audrey and Peter were in a film together! *SQUEAL!* So, racing the clock against my parentally-enforced bed time, I popped the movie into my laptop, grabbed my tattered old headphones, and prepared for the voyeuristic whimsy which would hopefully follow.

Wow, wow, wow! This movie was just what I needed after watching five hours of ham-fisted drek from the Tom Laughlin shit machine. Watching this movie after viewing two Billy Jack movies back to back was like going on a nice, quiet stroll through the countryside after spending five hours trapped in an elevator with two obese elephants who had chili for lunch and burritos for dinner. (Yeah… I really need to work on my analogies, and my attempts to sound profound and insightful.)

Anyway…

The plot concerns a Parisian artist (Hugh Griffith, with Lenin beard and bulging Jack Elam eyes) who makes a living off of forging famous artworks. His daughter Nicole (Audrey) disapproves of his profession, which lands them into trouble after they sell a prized statue to an art museum. Nicole hires the suave but inept cat burglar Simon Dermott (O’Toole) to help her retrieve the work of art before it is discovered as a fake. Naturally, there is much banter and squabbling between our two leads, which quickly blossoms into love as they achieve their goal.

While I’d like to write a lengthy, pretentious and insightful review, this really isn’t the kind of film that warrants it. Simply put, How to Steal a Million is a load of unpretentious fun. It takes a previous Hepburn vehicle, Charade, takes out the best elements (the Hitchcock-lite plot, our protagonist of dubious identity, the Paris locations, and uber-chic Audrey) and enhances them to the nth degree. This is a fun, breezy off-the-cuff performance by Hepburn, who uses her beauty, class, sophistication, and a truckload of Givenchy’s best costumes (which O’Toole’s character pokes fun at) to full effect. Opposite Audrey, O‘Toole showcases his fine comic talent, which he would get to hone in later years (The Ruling Class, My Favorite Year). He bites off his quips with reckless, infectious abandon, and just the sight of his mischievous grin causes a smile. It goes without saying that this couple absolutely lights up the screen. Never mind that the mere sight of them in a frame together is enough to induce orgasm; O’Toole and Hepburn have genuine chemistry together, and it‘s nice to see Audrey for once not having to romance a guy twice her age!

The film is directed stylishly if not spectacularly by William Wyler (Roman Holiday, Ben-Hur), utilizing a lot of bright, shiny colors as befits our delicious decadent duo and the cartoonish fun of the plot. (Note also that the musical score is by one "Johnny Williams.") The supporting cast is fun, with Eli Wallach and Hugh Griffith contributing their share of laughs, while Jacques Marin (another Charade veteran, also a resistance fighter in The Train) appears as a Clouseau-esque security guard.

Yes, for me, How to Steal a Million is just what the doctor ordered. It’s a bit too slight, perhaps, for me to give it a perfect rating, but after a day of suffering through two of cinema’s greatest atrocities… it was a great release, and a perfect antidote. Thank you again, Peter and Audrey. I love you both. As always, Groggy Dundee.

Rating: 9/10 - Highest Recommendation