....in five easy moves:-
1. When you greet him kneel and kiss the ring on his hand - do not be put off by him trying to withdraw his hand, it's all part of what is known as 'humility etiquette'.
2. Address him as 'My Lord' (Oh, he will love you for that).
Never ever refer to him as 'Bishop' or use his Christian name in association with the word 'Bishop' as in, 'Hello there Bishop Tom'.
3. Invite him to join in the theological game known as 'Hunt the Tabernacle' (the winning phrase is: 'Why is your chair where the Tabernacle should be?' - by now he will be hysterical!
4. This one is a winner, produce a copy of The Tablet and ask him the question: 'Pope or The Tablet, which do you prefer?' If he responds 'The Tablet' you knock his mitre off and shout 'Mennini' three times. If he is not rolling on the floor convulsed with giggles or something similar then he will have passed out - remember, all 'DNR' notices must be obeyed.
5. Finally, you will win his undying affection if you fumble in your pocket muttering the words: 'Summorum Pontificum' and 'Stable Group' - do not be surprised if, overcome with affection, he grasps you around the neck with both hands....it's the new kiss of peace you know!
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