Apparently Beyonce provided a great halftime show. Not that I'd know: halftime is when I do something productive, like take a shower or fold towels. Heck, last year's show had M.I.A. flipping the bird and I still didn't watch. To quote Ahnold, "I'm da pahtee poopah!"
Yes, there was a power outage during the third quarter. It was annoying. The news covering it like the next 9/11 is more annoying.
At least as many people watch the Super Bowl for the commercials as the game. Here's where Groggy proves himself a right cynical bastard. I hate most of these ads, and this year was no different. Lots of time, effort and millions of dollars into 30 seconds of ludicrous, overblown idiocy. I've seen Adult Swim programs more appealing than most of these ads.
In the interest of fairness though, I'll do a Best and Worst list. There were a few spots that didn't make me want to hurl a brick at my TV, which deserves some recognition. Just know I relish the latter far more.
Best Ads:
10. Leon Sandcastle (NFL Network)
Good old Deion Sanders. An insufferably obnoxious player; a surprisingly likeable, self-effacing TV personality. Between this and his DirecTV fairy ads, I've forgiven Deion for his Primetime antics.
9. Morning Run (Milk)
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson doing what he does best: being funny, self-effacing and badass in a silly context. This sort of humor works better at a minute than 90 minutes though.
8. Prom (Audi)
This ad doesn't necessarily make me want to buy this car. It does make me want to travel back to high school and French kiss my not-so-secret crush at prom. Too bad she's hiding out somewhere in New England...
7. Asking Amy (Best Buy)
Amy Poehler is a funny lady. That's why this commercial works: it's short, simple, funny and makes good use of a celebrity spokesperson. Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen blathering nonsensically for 90 seconds isn't and doesn't.
6. Team (Hyundai)
This ad starts predictably (a kid is told to "get your own team" by football-playing bullies) then takes a clever turn. No, the kid doesn't assembles a team of conveniently-visiting NFL stars. He gets a juvenile bear wrestler as his placekicker. Bonus points for using Quiet Riot.
5. Happier Than Dikembe Mutombo... (GEICO)
If there were a lifetime achievement award for stupid commercials, GEICO would win for its endless barrage of irritable cavemen, cockney lizards and jabbering swine. So I'm happily surprised they managed a funny spot. See Coke, this is how you do a Super Bowl ad: a simple gag (Mutombo swatting a box of Cap'n Crunch) well-executed. But we're getting ahead of ourselves...
4. Soul (Mercedes-Benz)
Willem Dafoe plays Satan. He could be shilling for Go Daddy and still earn a spot.
3. Love Ballad (M&M's)
M&M's ads have gone a bizarre route the past few years, hinting at sexual relations between humans and chocolates. Now we see the logical conclusion: Red M&M finds out his girlfriend's greatest wish is to eat him! While singing Meat Loaf, no less.
2. Brotherhood (Budweiser)
Give Budweiser credit: their Clydesdale ads are always winners. This touching spot is no exception. Sure it's treacle, but it's well-done treacle. Don't tell me you aren't tearing up at the end
1. Miracle Stain (Tide)
This one's got it all: a clever premise, Super Bowl tie-in, recognizable product and funny payoff. One caveat: while many treat football as a religion, comparatively few worship the 49ers.
Worst Ads:
Now for the fun part. Don't like my choices? Complain in the comments section.
10. Viva Young (Taco Bell)
Two objections: one, Taco Bell's entire demographic is 30 and under, so why the senior focus? Two, most 20 year olds with cast-iron colons can't keep Taco Bell food down for 15 minutes. Pity these poor seniors gulping Taco Supremes.
Strangely, this seems to be one of the most popular ads. Are old people that hilarious?
9. Wonderful Pistachios Get Cracking (Emerald Nuts)
Signs an obnoxiously over-hyped "music sensation" has reached their sell-by date: 1) Glee covers their song. 2) They star in an Emerald Nuts commercial. An MTV reality series can't be far behind for PSY.
8. Party (Pepsi Next)
I lost 30 pounds last year and Pepsi Next was a big part of that. That's my way of saying Pepsi Next is awesome. This lazy, stupid ad is not.
7. Get In, Get Happy (Volkswagen)
This asinine spot generated unwarranted controversy for "insulting" Jamaicans. The real problem is stupidity. Whether you're from Kingston or Massapequa, no one talks like Bob Marley unless they're baked. If that be the case, kiss your job goodbye, mon! Worse, I didn't even remember what was being sold - the sure sign of a bad ad.
6. Fashionista Daddy (Doritos)
Admittedly, I had trouble finding laughs in transvestites playing with little girls right after watching The Damned. Regardless, men wearing frilly things has long since supplanted the pun as comedy's nadir. Witness ABC's Work It. Witness this ad. To quote Bobby Hill, "Cross-dressing's been done." Apparently Doritos didn't get the memo.
5. Save It (E-Trade)
The e-Trade babies aren't funny, period. They weren't funny in 2008, they aren't funny now. Come to think of it, CGI-lipped talking babies weren't funny in Baby Geniuses or Baby Bob, either. It's never funny. It's creepy. Stop for the love of God.
4. Space Babies (Kia)
More babies, plus cute animals, wrapped in higher-grade CGI than Prometheus and a nonsensical premise dreamed up on a millionaire's bar napkin. Another popular ad, though this one's more explicable: everyone's had "the talk" with their kids. And everyone loves astronaut babies and thumbs-upping panda cubs. Everyone except Groggy, who hates overpaid ad execs trying too hard.
Of course, I actually drive a Kia. The last thing I'm thinking about while skidding around the snow-encrusted back roads of Pennsylvania is space penguins on a baby planet.
Speaking of astronauts...
3. Lifeguard (Axe Apollo)
Note the warning that this is a "fictionalization." So there wasn't really a lifeguard who gill-punched a shark, rescued a beach babe and then got cock-blocked by a nerd wearing Buzz Aldrin duds? Damn, thanks for shattering my illusions Axe!
P.S.: This is a deodorant ad. Please explain how I'm supposed to know that.
2. Perfect Match (Go Daddy)
What sort of troglodytic horn dog does Go Daddy market to, exactly? Their entire campaign is a slobbering monument to the kind of male chauvinism that went out with bell bottoms. As a male, I'm offended by the notion that I'm only interested in scantily-clad women. As a nerd, I'm offended by the notion that smart equals fat and ugly. As a functioning human being, what the hell is this garbage? Here's hoping a mob of angry feminists burns down their corporate headquarters.
1. Mirage (Coca-Cola)
This commercial epitomizes everything wrong with Super Bowl ads: pointlessly contrived, needlessly expensive and profoundly unfunny. I can just imagine Coke's ad department brainstorming this:
"Okay, we need a Super Bowl ad. Ideas, guys? Bob, you watched Mad Max last week right? Tina, you wanted to be a Rockette when you were little, so here's showgirls driving a bus. Groggy, you won't shut up about T.E. Lawrence, so here's an Arab with a camel. Cowboys, those are popular right? How about they're racing each other? How wacky! And it will only cost enough to feed Zimbabwe for a year!
"Um, guys? Where are you going? Why are you all printing your resumes?"
This plays out exactly like it sounds: a jumble of bizarre, nonsensical ideas spewed forth Katyusha-style in hopes of triggering a laugh and rampant Coke buying. My reaction?
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