Coming Attractions - Summer 2013

"The trick, Groggy Dundee, is not MINDING that stinks!"

Technically, the summer movie season already kicked off with the release of Iron Man 3, Pain & Gain and other things. I have an excuse for tardiness, though: I recently moved and started a new job. Therefore, I've been forced to prioritize blogging, and the Crimean War always trumps Superman. At least they have Trevor Howard in common:

"Jor-El, you are arrested. Return to Krypton and be arrested!"

Anyway, it's the time of year when I drop all plebeian pretenses and embrace my snobbish side. What can we look forward to this summer? Superheroes, sequels, remakes, reboots, cartoons and assorted excrement, served up steaming hot with a side of Adam Sandler.

Groggy's 2013 Summer Preview

Iron Man 3 (April 26th) - This already opened to near-record box office, so how can I persuade or dissuade anyone who's not already seen it? Sadly, it looks like Marvel's going the Nolan route of "darker and edgier." The absence of such nonsense is precisely why I've enjoyed their movies so far. Trailer

The Great Gatsby (May 10th) - One of my favorite novels has, through a half-dozen adaptations, proven more or less unfilmable. I'm sure Fitzgerald's social satire, nuanced symbolism and tragic character study will receive subtle treatment from the director of Romeo + Juliet and Moulin Rouge. Trailer

Tyler Perry Presents Peeples (May 10th) - Forty seconds into this trailer, there's a joke about dog rape. Odds are Tyler Perry isn't the new Charlie Chaplin. Trailer

Star Trek Into Darkness (May 17th) - On the one hand, it looks painfully generic; calling it Star Trek is  just a ploy to sell Happy Meals. Then again, it looks reasonably entertaining. Put it in the maybe pile. Trailer

The English Teacher (May 17th) - Despite the presence of Julianne Moore, this seems about as appealing as that Tyler Perry thing. Two pepper spray jokes in a two minute trailer? Trailer

Epic (May 24th) - Fern Gully with gangsta slugs. Pass. Trailer

Fast and Furious 6 (May 25th) - Seriously? I'd rather watch Space Mutiny 2: Fast and Furious Floor Waxers. Trailer

By F&F 7, Vin Diesel will be lucky to reach speeds of three.

The Hangover Part III (May 24th) - In the words of Jay Sherman: "After Roman numeral II, give it a rest!" Hear that, Zack "no one would care about me if they could pronounce my last name"? And Bradley Cooper, you just got an Oscar nomination! What gives, dude? Trailer

After Earth (May 31st) - If Earth is done for, where can Will Smith welcome aliens to? Trailer

Now You See Me (May 31st) - Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Isla Fisher and Morgan Freeman in a movie about magician thieves. We call this a judgment call. Trailer


Much Ado About Nothing (June 7th) - Joss Whedon's artsy Shakespeare adaptation, featuring Agent Coulson and Gretchen from Recess. Doubt this will top Kenneth Branaugh's version, but it could be fun. Trailer

The Internship (June 7th) - From the director of Night at the Museum comes a new comedy starring Vince Vaughn. My readers know I'll spend eight weeks in a sleeping bag waiting in line for this. Trailer

The Purge (June 7th) - Finally, Hollywood's making a film about Stalinist Russia! Er no, it's Straw Dogs meets Death Race 2000. Bonus kitsch points for the "ironic" use of America the Beautiful. Trailer

Man of Steel (June 14th) - Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder huh? Will Superman leap tall buildings in a single bound while debating Hegel with Lex Luthor as Tears for Fears plays on the soundtrack? Trailer

The Bling Ring (June 14th) - You immediately lose me using a Ke$ha song. Trailer

This Is The End (June 14th) - Didn't the 2011 Oscars and Your Highness prove that people have limited tolerance for James Franco wankery? This MIGHT work as an SNL skit, not a feature-length movie - though the lack of minotaur penis is a good sign. Trailer

Monsters University (June 21st) - I'd rather see an Aah! Real Monsters reboot than a sequel to a 13 year old Pixar movie. Trailer

Krumm voiced by Zack Galifianakis.

World War Z (June 21st) - All those re-shoots, production delays and ego clashes for what looks like a generic zombie flick? Trailer

White House Down (June 28th) - Wow, it only took Olympus Has Fallen three months to get remade! Trailer

Despicable Me 2 (July 3rd) - Pass. Trailer

The Lone Ranger (July 3rd) - Looks surprisingly decent. More serious than I'd have expected from the Pirates of the Caribbean crew, plus the lack of werewolves is a big plus. Trailer

Untitled Terence Malick Project (July 4th) - What's the mystery? Five hours of monologing about trees?

Grown Ups 2 (July 12th) - Adam Sandler. Trailer

Pacific Rim (July 12th) - I've lost track of how many apocalyptic sci-fi flicks are coming out this summer. Eighty-nine? Trailer


Only God Forgives (July 19th) - Another violent, stylish Nicholas Winding Refn thriller, with an awesome Spaghetti Western title and Kristin Scott Thomas? Sign me up! For once, no sarcasm. Trailer

RED 2 (July 19th) - Sequels make me blue like I've never known. Watching them is dark gray, all alone. Ignoring them is like trying to review a movie I've never seen. Trailer

There goes my snob cred.

The Wolverine - Apparently, all of last year's Best Actor nominees feel obligated to slum in trash. In Hugh Jackman's case, the second reboot of a franchise he starred in to begin with. What's next, Daniel Day-Lewis in The Love Guru Part II? Trailer

The Smurfs 2 (July 31st) - I eagerly await The Snorks. Trailer


2 Guns (August 2nd) - Didn't Pain & Gain just come out? Originality obviously isn't a premium in Hollywood. Trailer

300: Rise of An Empire (August 2nd) - I appreciate this trailer for telling me absolutely nothing about the movie. Maybe that's a blessing. Trailer

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (August 7th) - By this point in the article, I know when not to bother watching the trailer. Trailer

Elysium (August 9th) - Jesus F. Christ, another post-apocalyptic science fiction movie. Guys and gals, 2012 ended and nothing happened. Get over it. Trailer


Kick-Ass 2 (August 16th) - The first Kick-Ass was a pleasant surprise. This one has Jim Carey. Trailer

SSSSSSSSSSSSSUCKIN'!

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (August 23rd) - From my limited understanding of YA lit, The Mortal Instruments is the next Hunger Games which was the next Twilight which was the next Harry Potter. Judging by the trailer I'll wait for the new Hunger Games movie in November. Trailer

The World's End (August 23rd) - Another post-apocalyptic science fiction... comedy. Is someone keeping track? Trailer

Riddick (September 6th) - I was under the impression that Pitch Black was a flop. In 2000. Why are they making a second sequel 13 years later? If Vin Diesel has to make sequels, why not Iron Giant 2? At least pick a decent Diesel flick. Trailer

* * *

And that's all he wrote. See you in the history books, people.

Hollywood, you make me envy the deaf and the blind!