Roland Emmerich Presents: Anonymous Patriot Lawrence of Arabia's Independence Day After Tomorrow's Godzilla Stargate

I was rather reticent towards Werner Herzog's upcoming biopic of Gertrude Bell, in which Robert Pattinson has been cast at T.E. Lawrence. Eventually though I got over it because a) it's Werner Herzog, give him a pass, b) Lawrence will be a supporting character, not the star, and c) hey, maybe Pattinson can be decent playing a non-Edward Cullen role. Also, life's too short.

Today, I read that Roland Emmerich - the brilliant auteur behind Independence Day, The Patriot and Anonymous - is planning to produce a miniseries about Lawrence. Michael Korda, author of Hero: The Life and Legend of Lawrence of Arabia, is tapped as an historical consultant for what good that does.

Given the level of historiography present in The Patriot (aka all Brits are child-murdering Nazis) and Anonymous (Shakespeare's plays were written by an incestuous nobleman, Elizabeth I had a son with her other son), it's not imprudent to suggest this Lawrence project will follow the same route. Expect the "real story" behind Lawrence, namely that he was murdered by an MI6-Nazi conspiracy because he impregnated the Duchess of York, hence making him father of England's present Queen! And Seven Pillars of Wisdom was really written by Hannen Swaffer. While they're at it, maybe Emmerich can use Desmond Stewart's trashy biography as a source!

In other words, I expect it to be about as accurate as Lawrence's appearance on Deadliest Warrior:

Time permitting I'll finally get around to my annual blockbuster review. Don't go browsing other blogs now.

Anonymous

Anonymous (2011) is a truly wretched film. It's bad history, which might be forgivable if it weren't a really, really bad movie as well. Thar be spoilers in this review, but I feel ruining certain twists something akin to a public service.

Turn-of-the-17th Century Tudor England is a hotbed of intrigue. Elizabeth I (Vanessa Redgrave) nears her deathbed, and her minister Robert Cecil (Edward Hogg) schemes to put Scotland's James VI on the English throne. Unfortunately for Cecil, Elizabeth has several bastards, including Robert Devereaux, Earl of Essex (Sebastian Reid), with a more direct claim. Through this we're introduced to Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford (Rhys Ifans), who as a young man (Jamie Campbell Bower) romanced Elizabeth (Joely Richardson) and impregnated her. De Vere is also a brilliant playwright, but afraid to publish his own work, he delegates credit to actor Will Shakespeare (Rafe Spall). The two strands intersect when De Vere pens a subversive play (Richard III) that helps inspire the Essex Rebellion, where Essex and his followers attempt to assert their "rightful" claim on the throne.

I don't give the Oxford theory of Shakespeare authorship any credence, since it's based on snobbery (no way a country boy like Shakespeare wrote such great plays) and dot-connecting (hey, Oxford spent time in Italy, ergo he's Shakespeare!) of a JFK conspiracy/9/11 Truther sort rather than actual evidence. That certainly doesn't mean the topic lacks dramatic potential, but it deserves a better shake than Anonymous. I wouldn't worry about the film's possible impact, because it's so outlandish that it discredits itself.

Anonymous is utterly laughable. John Orloff's terrible script juggles lurid melodrama with obtuse characterization, adding a pointless flashback structure on top. The movie strains credulity in too many ways to count; a hilarious scene shows Oxford with Shakespeare's complete works lying around in his office! Characters come and go without explanation: Christopher Marlowe (Trystan Gravelle) only gets a post-mortem identification, and Oxford's mistress isn't even afforded that. Emmerich drags in the Essex Rebellion to muddle things further, but bafflingly makes the Earl a bit player in his own plot. This is Bad Screenwriting 101, folks.

Anonymous will surely drive history buffs into an apopleptic rage. It dredges up the hoary Prince Tudor theory, that Elizabeth pupped out numerous bastards and somehow kept this a secret. But that's mere sensationalism worthy of The Tudors. Emmerich also (major spoiler) posits that Elizabeth slept with her own son and had a child by him. This grotesque distortion requires so much suspension of disbelief that one might as well argue Shakespeare was a Reptilian space alien.

Unfortunately, Anonymous isn't content with being speculative fiction but purports to be a shocking secret history. Emmerich has given several interviews defending the film's premise and amusingly called out historians for criticising him. Unlike Shakespeare in Love, which puts dramatic license at the service of a comedy, Anonymous is in deadly earnest with its nonsense. Fortunately, the movie's disastrous box office take deflated Emmerich's Oliver Stone pretensions.

Emmerich helms a handsome production. The movie certainly looks good in spots, with a mixture of impeccable sets, costumes and well-incorporated CGI. A few set pieces, including several spirited stagings of Shakespeare and Essex's abortive uprising, are competently handled. Then again, a corpse still decomposes no matter how many flowers you place on it.

Surprisingly, Rafe Spall's goofball Shakespeare is the least offensive performance. Rhys Ifans is a boring brooder without a flicker of emotion. Vanessa Redgrave (previously Anne Boleyn and Mary Stuart in other Tudor flicks) seems an ideal Elizabeth but has nothing to work with. Joely Richardson's (The Patriot) awful performance is nothing so much as a bad Cate Blanchett impersonation. David Thewlis and Edward Hogg play the Cecils as one-note turds. Derek Jacobi (Day of the Jackal) disgraces himself with a brief cameo.

Anonymous is a tragic waste of time. Even disregarding its myriad inaccuracies and promotion of specious nonsense, it's just plain trash - a bad film on any level, literary, cinematic or historical.

P.S.: On the off-chance you're inclined to take the film seriously, this site provides a comprehensive debunking of the "controversy." Ron Rosenbaum's Slate piece addresses it more succinctly.

The Patriot

Revolutionary War films are surprisingly hard to come by, so when a lavish, big-budget epic like The Patriot (2000) comes along you're tempted to embrace it. A colonial reworking of Friendly Persuasion mixed with Braveheart (and a major debt to Drums Along the Mohawk), The Patriot is enjoyable but highly problematic, mixing well-staged action and period detail with overwrought storytelling and laughable characterizations.

South Carolina farmer Benjamin Martin (Mel Gibson) served heroically in the French and Indian War, but he's determined to sit out the Revolutionary War even as son Gabriel (Heath Ledger) joins the Continental Army. Martin becomes drawn into the conflict, however, when Gabriel is captured, and another son killed, by the ruthless Colonel Tavington (Jason Isaacs). Martin rescues Gabriel, and the two form a guerilla band that harasses British General Cornwallis (Tom Wilkinson) as he advances through the Carolinas. Unable to bring Martin to heel "honorably," Cornwallis reluctantly unleashes Tavington, whose resultant atrocities goad Martin into an epic showdown.

The Patriot is certainly a handsome film. Roland Emmerich is best-known for bombastic blockbusters like Independence Day, but shows a remarkable flair for period drama. The costumes and sets are lavish, the battle scenes are handsomely staged (with lots of gorey squibs and decapitations), Caleb Deschanel's photography beautiful and John Williams's score rousing and vibrant. Aside from wretchedly-obvious symbolism (melting toy soldiers down for bullets - seriously?) and some egregious slow-motion, there's nothing to complain about here, even if there are a few too many action scenes.

The film's historicity is laughable, not the least in its conflation of the Battles of Cowpens and Guilford Courthouse during the finale, but there are other problems. The British soldiers are red-coated Einsatzgruppen, led by a mass-murderer who'd make Reinhard Heydrich blush (even replicating an infamous SS atrocity). Tavington shrugs off multiple gunshot wounds, blows to the head and stabbings like a foppish Terminator, roasts women and children alive, shoots wounded men and no doubt drowns kittens in his spare time. He even gloats of his atrocities a la Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator. Anything short of being eaten alive by piranhas would be too good for this bastard, but Tavington's actions are so over-the-top it's impossible to take him seriously. (Then again, the hero's singlehandedly wiping out an entire platoon with muskets and tomahawks, and impaling horses on American flags...)

Robert Rodat's script is a melange of ideas good and bad. One of the best scenes is the prisoner exchange, where Martin dupes the arrogant Cornwallis in a most creative manner. Tavington and Cornwallis's tactical disagreement and personal rivalry provides the film's meatiest drama. The staging of battle scenes in farmers' fields (with civilian audiences) is an effective if overused conceit.

Other neat ideas (Martin's struggle with bloodlust, the civil war between rebels and Tories) are short-changed in the rush for repetitive ambushes and atrocities. Supporting characters get the shaft: a Continental Colonel (Chris Cooper) and Tory officer (Adam Baldwin) are given prominent introductions, then all but vanish, while a French Major (Tcheky Karyo) and token black guy (Jay Arlen Jones) merely provide color. Parallel romance subplots are poorly-handled and the movie awkwardly skirts the slavery issue by having "free" blacks till Martin's farm. Yeah, sure.

Mel Gibson is a fine tormented hero, if not as inspiring as his William Wallace. Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight) is adequate in a boring role. Jason Isaacs (Green Zone) is coldly over-the-top in approved Alan Rickman fashion. Tom Wilkinson (Valkyrie) is at his irascible best, an honorable but proud soldier easily goaded into rash action. The rest of the cast doesn't register much: Joely Richardson is completely useless as a kinda-sorta love interest for Mel, and familiar faces like Chris Cooper (The Town), Adam Baldwin (Full Metal Jacket), Donal Logue (Zodiac) and Tcheky Karyo (GoldenEye) get glorified bit parts.

If all you're seeking is an 18th Century action flick, The Patriot is fine if you've seen Pirates of the Caribbean one too many times. Anyone looking for a really great Revolutionary War film should look elsewhere.