Mr. Mercer Sez:
"The deleted scenes from Pirates 3... are under MY command!"
Penrod: Gee, Professor Saunders, I sure enjoyed your lesson on what makes a good film. Now I know who to come for when I want asinine geekiness... er, I mean, cinematic knowledge.
Professor S: Why, thank you, Penrod. If you call me a geek again I will cane you mercilessly - just like last time.
Penrod: Gee, I'm sorry. But came here because I have a question for you.
Professor S: Yes, Penrod?
Penrod: I just heard confirmation that they're making a fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie, Professor Saunders! With Johnny Depp and everything! What do you make of that!?
Professor S: Well, Penrod, there's an obvious explanation for this: Money. Didn't you see how successful the last two movies were? It's all about the Almighty Dollar for Disney.
Penrod: But Disney is all about family entertainment!
Professor S: Don't be an idiot, Penrod. Didn't you see the beginning of the last Pirates film?
Penrod: My mommy screamed in terror while she was watching that. I couldn't hear what was going on.
Professor S: Puerile Bush-bashing, Penrod, by obnoxious Hollywood liberals. And the murder of children, to boot...
Penrod: Golly gee, Professor, are you trying to slyly sneak a pro-life message into this article?
Professor S: Just a cheap jab, Penrod. You'll learn their value one day, once you read Plato and realize he's full of shit... The point is, Penrod, that the Pirates movies weren't exactly paragons of family entertainment. But in any case...
Penrod: But gee, are you saying that Mickey Mouse is all about the money?
Professor S: If he wanted to, Penrod, Mickey Mouse would come over to your house, kill your family and burglarize your home - and film it, too, so he could edit it into Hannah Montana: The Motion Picture. And then have Hannah say something clever about the Patriot Act!
Penrod: You've got me scared!!! Hannah Montana giving political commentary?
Professor S: Sorry, Penrod. Now, what was your question?
Penrod: About the Pirates movie, Professor S.
Professor S: Ah, yes.
Penrod: Aren't you excited? You did write that lengthy article about the Pirates films a few months ago, didn't you?
Professor S: Yes. But No, I'm not excited.
Penrod: But, golly gee, Professor S! More Johnny Depp and more Geoffrey Rush and more CGI and no Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom and more special effects and more battles and sword fights and action and treasure and...
Professor S: Whoa there, Penrod! You're sounding like a fanboy!
Penrod: HEATH LEDGER FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR 2009!
Professor S: Sometimes I worry about you, Penrod...
Penrod: So, why aren't you excited, Professor S?
Professor S: Well, Penrod, there are a myraid of reasons.
Penrod: What's myriad?
Professor S: A word you don't understand. Now be quiet. First, there's the fact that the last two movies kind of squelched any creativity by sucking the life out of the first movie and blowing it up into pseudo-epic proportions.
Penrod: But, Professor! What about that squid dude! He looked so AWESOME!
Professor S: No he didn't, Penrod. He looked stupid. And in any case, squid-face CGI don't make good movies in and of themselves.
Penrod: But, what about Johnny Depp! He's so funny, and Jack is cool! And all those teenaged girls love him!
Professor S: Well, Penrod, I liked Jack too, but I think Dead Man's Chest proved that even a great character can be sabotaged by a lame movie and a bad screenplay. The character himself can only provide so much amusement, and even with Barbossa around, he could easily be wasted or poorly used.
As for Johnny Depp fangirls, well, I think we know that they'll come see him no matter WHAT he does...
...But I don't think they make up THAT big of a financial base.
Penrod: But Cheez Whiz, Professor S! What about all the money they made?
Professor S: True, and that only helps make my point. But the third movie just came out 16 months ago. People still remember these movies, and many if not most of them don't have fond memories of squid-guys or million-faceted storylines or Jack clones or 50-foot sea goddesses.
Penrod: But they WERE successful, Professor S!
Professor S: Yeah, but how interested would they be in a 4th movie right after the third one came out? Especially given how many people were disappointed by these movies.
Penrod: But, Professor S, not all sequels are bad:
Professor S: No, Penrod, and I said I liked the third one. My point is though: There's only so many times you can go back to the same well and expect to find water. And the last movie only came out last year. Given some of the crap that turned up in the last two films, I can only shudder what Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio would come up with if they were really out of ideas...
Penrod: But Tom Hollander!
Professor S: I do like Tom Hollander, Penrod, but I don't see what that has to do with anything. He won't be in this one.
Penrod: Why not?
Professor S: He died at the end of the last movie, Penrod.
Penrod: He DID!?
Professor: (stares incredulously) Yep. So he won't be back. And neither will Orlando Bloom, or Keira Knightley, or Jack Davenport, or Jonathan Pryce, or Bill Nighy, or David Schofield, or Chow Yun-Fat, or any of the interesting characters.
Penrod: But Keira Knightley isn't dead!
Professor: No, but she said she doesn't want to do anymore Pirates movies.
Penrod: Well, I can understand that. I mean, being trapped on that island alone by herself for ten years... I don't see how she could even make any movies.
Professor: (shakes head)
Penrod: But wait a minute, Professor S! They brought Barbossa and Jack back from the dead!! Couldn't they do that again?
Professor: Yes, they did, Penrod, and I'm afraid of a sequel for that very reason. I'm afraid to ponder the depths to which Disney may sink in order to make a dollar or bail themselves out of a lame storyline.
Penrod: (after a pause) Wait... Who's Tom Hollander?
Professor:
Penrod: Gee whiz, Professor Saunders, you sure made a convincing argument! Now I know why a fourth Pirates film isn't a good idea.
Professor S: Well done, Peabrain!
Penrod: Penrod, sir!
Professor S: I didn't say it was your name.
Penrod: Hmph. Well, anyway, Professor S, thanks for giving me your advice!
Professor S: Good job, Penrod!
Penrod: Thank you!
Professor S: Where are you going after school?
Penrod: I'm going to get in line for the next Pirates movie! Of course...
Professor S: (stares incredulously)
Penrod: See you tomorrow, Professor S!
Professor S: Oh, Penrod. Could you come here a second?
Okay, Professor S! I'll just wait for Valkyrie instead!
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