Yesterday I asked my parish priest what standard parishioner procedure should be in case of a Swine Flu outbreak in Brighton.
If one contracts Swine Flu and is on death's door should we...
a) Stay at home in quarantine and wait for the priest to come over to give us the Anointing of the Sick?
b) Stay at home in quarantine and wait for the priest to come over to give us the Anointing of the Sick, but keep waiting and die without the Last Rites because he doesn't, perfectly understandably, want to contract the Swine Flu?
c) Go to Church to die in the pews with a host of other Brightonians, having wailed to all and sundry about the End of the World and the need for repentance?
d) Spend our last few days on Earth cashing in on the outbreak by selling doctor's masks and cassocks with hats and odd sticks on Western Road at a bargain price of just £5.99, with the advertising hook of, 'Buy two beaks, get a third beak free'?
e) Simply offer it up for the conversion of sinners, the liberty and exaltation of our Holy Mother, the Church, and the poor souls in Purgatory?
f) Go onto Western Road and expound upon the Gospel in which Christ sends the legions of devils of a man possessed into a herd of swine and run off a cliff, making everyone take note of the fact that that Our Blessed Saviour has been given power and authority by His Heavenly Father to defeat evil and sin and now sits at His Right Hand in Glory, but that the swine had never forgotten about that incident and that this is now the time of the swine's revenge upon mankind and God, so fair enough for them, but that as a footnote, this Gospel passage proves that Christ was not a vegetarian or particularly passionate about animal rights...before dropping dead.
g) Go to hospital and receive an injection of Tamiflu TM?
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