I WANT ME GOLD!

Let us consider Leprechaun movies, and thereby bring about the Apocalypse.

In 1993, Trimark Pictures made Leprechaun, starring a then-unknown Jennifer Aniston and Warwick Davis, the English dwarf actor best-known for his star turn in Willow. It concerned a Leprechaun (Davis) summoned to the present day by some foolish, greedy mortals finding his pot of gold; and this Leprechaun kills the unfortunate greed-heads in rather a gory fashion. Initially intended as a horror film for kids, it was decided, somewhere along the line, to amp up the gore and make it a straight slasher film. Thus, a misbegotten franchise was born.

Leprechaun and its first sequel got limited theatrical releases; further sequels were direct-to-video. While the original Leprechaun was mostly straight horror, the sequels went for humor, becoming increasingly outlandish, bizarre, tasteless and self-aware with each installment. The exact connection between each film was extremely tenuous, with different rules for the Leprechaun's destruction, etc. By Leprechaun 3, there was no pretense to quality, and the cheese was whole-heartedly embraced.

To be fair, the Leprechaun's exploits in Las Vegas, outer space and the ghetto were no more outlandish or stupid than any other long-running horror franchise - see the Halloween and Friday the 13th films, which went to truly idiotic lengths to add some new wrinkle to their protagonists' umpteenth killing sprees (or, in Halloween 3's case, cutting him out altogether). And at least the Lep didn't take himself seriously; something like Jason Takes Manhattan or Halloween: H20 is laughably bad, but it's dead serious. You can't say that about Leprechaun in the Hood.

Despite their awfulness, the Leprechaun movies have something of a cult following: everyone knows they're awful, but they're irresistible to certain connoisseurs of movie cheese. Some of the films achieve the hallowed status of Manos: the Hands of Fate, while others are truly abominable drek that isn't even watchable on its camp value. If a movie sucks, it had better be fun to mock.

If there's any real merit to these films, it's Warwick Davis, who clearly relishes his ridiculous part, imbuing it with wicked, self-effacing humor and making the Leprechaun almost endearing. I would say he belonged in a better film, but the Lep clearly belongs here. He's a unique creation, and if nothing else he's far more personable than other, mostly-mute slashers.

But enough jabberwocky - let's get to the films themselves. If you don't feel like reading, check this out.

Leprechaun (1993, Mark Jones)

The film that started it all is a drag. Above all else, it suffers for its seriousness. An obnoxious Jennifer Aniston (redundant, I know) and a cast of stock clowns (hunky hero, dimwitted redneck, precocious kid) are besieged at a North Dakota farmhouse by the Leprechaun, who is, of course, after his beloved gold. There isn't much here to like, aside from the Leprechaun's hilarious fast-motion commandeering of go-karts, wheelchairs, bicycles and pogo-sticks. There's also some weird business with the Leprechaun having a fetish for cleaning shoes, which is never brought up again in the sequels, and the Leprechaun eating a box of Lucky Charms - well, I guess that was inevitable. Lesson learned: Leprechauns are not scary. Next.

Leprechaun 2 (1994, Rodman Flender)

Leprechaun 2 is much more in-line with the Leprechaun image: though still having pretenses to straight horror, it gives the Leprechaun a new location (Los Angeles), a much higher body count, and a cornball yet ghoulish sense of humor ("Finger-lickin' good!" he chortles after ripping the finger off a victim). Also a lot of sexual innuendo involving Leprechaun brides, one of the series' more unfortunate features. On the plus side, it does have the first great set piece in Leprechaun history - namely, the Leprechaun's St. Patty's Day drinking contest with our loser protagonist Cody (Charlie Heath), while being cheered on by a group of festively-attired dwarfs. The surreal hilarity of this scene must be seen to be believed.

D-list celebs Clint Howard (Ron's unfortunate brother), MadTV's Michael McDonald and James Lancaster (Gettysburg, Titanic) have bit parts; the rest of the cast are awful unknowns, who couldn't act their way out of a paper bag. The worst offender is Shevonne Durkin, who plays love interest Bridget like a lobotomy victim OD'd on Prozac. There are a decent number of funny bits, a few gruesome murders (Michael McDonald's surly barista getting scalded to death) and some half-decent Evil Dead-inspired stop-motion, but it's still more dull than anything.

Leprechaun 3 (1995, Brian Trenchard-Smith)

Finally, we come to terms with the fact that a psychotic midget is not scary! (No, I don't like Freaks either.) By embracing its campiness, Leprechaun 3 becomes a perverse work of art. This movie knows it's stupid, and has a lot of fun with that. It's completely awful and tasteless, and revels in it. Some may find it too much, but I, sir, am not one of them.

The lame-o plot has an idiot college student (John Gatins) losing his money in Vegas, and becoming rich using one of the Leprechaun's gold pieces. In this film, Leprechaun gold grants wishes, and the piece finds its way from our protagonist to an asshole magician (John DeMita) to a bitchy barmaid to a pair of Pulp Fiction-wannabe hitmen. Of course, the Leprechaun wants his gold back and cuts a swath through Sin City, having a lot of fun in the bargain. And our protagonist falls for a feisty waitress (Lee Armstrong) and starts turning into a Leprechaun after being bitten by the bastard.

What makes Leprechaun 3 so much fun? All of the characters are hateful imbeciles by intent, and it's fun to see them offed in gruesome ways: particularly the magician getting sawed in half onstage. (The bitch dies a truly bizarre death that I'll not try to relate.) The Leprechaun himself reaches a peak of horrid irreverence, shouting racist jokes at an Indian clerk, flipping birds left and right, dressing up like a Nurse (clearly inspiring a scene in The Dark Knight), and in a truly inexplicable scene, impersonating Elvis. It's offensive, awful and in very bad taste, and it's fun, in its own perverse way.

Leprechaun in Space (1997, Brian Trenchard-Smith)

Okay, this is taking it too far.

The Leprechaun goes into outer space for God knows what reason, and finds himself squaring off with a gaggle of meat-headed space marines, a deformed mad scientist (Guy Siner) and a seductive alien princess (Rebekah Carlton), and whatever, who cares. Think Aliens with a Goddamned Leprechaun doing a John Wayne impersonation.

This movie transcends awful. It's not so much that it's distasteful - though it's that in spades - as it is painfully, skull-crushingly idiotic. This movie defines trying too hard; it's silliness and childish black humor are just grating rather than fun, and the movie is literally painful to watch. The Leprechaun becomes giant towards the end, and... well, if you like giggling at penis jokes ("Big is good!") and giant, disembodied bird-flipping, this Bud's for you.

But really, what the Hell were you expecting from a movie called Leprechaun in Space?

Trivia note: Debbie Dunning, aka Heidi from Home Improvement, plays one of the space marines. Huuuuuuuuunh?

Leprechaun in the Hood (2000, Rob Spera)

Leprechaun in the Hood is either a high point in cinema history or an abomination like no other. You judge.

This time around, the Leprechaun is in possession of a magic flute that gives its owner amazing musical ability. This comes in handy for our protagonists, a truly awful trio of wannabe rappers led by Postmaster P. (Anthony Montgomery), who decide to kill bullying record artist Mack Daddy (Ice-T) and end up a) awakening the Leprechaun, b) taking the flute and kick-starting their career. So the kids are faced with both the Leprechaun and Mack Daddy's righteous vengeance.

The movie starts with Ice-T pulling a baseball out of an Afro, and doesn't let up from there. In this installment, the Lep doesn't restrain himself to just bad puns and raunch, though there's plenty of both; he speaks almost exclusively in hideous rhyming couplets ("I'll take it from you, homie, you'll see, cause you know da Lep is the real O.G."), enslaves a trio of Zombie Hos to do his bidding, gets high on marijuana, and raps. This is the Lep at his funniest and most off-the-wall, resulting in some all-time unintentional humor points.

This is the series' high point for "great" lines and set-pieces. While the stuff with the rap group is pretty boring, and the movie makes some puerile, out-of-place satire of religion and hip-hop culture, the scenes with the Lep and Mack Daddy are reverse-brilliant. From the Leprechaun's bizarre visit to an old lady's house to his encounter with a flirty cross-dresser, it's an endless parade of random, inexplicable weirdness. Good taste? Quality? What's that?

And Shakespeare only wished he could write lines like this:

"Midget Midas motherfucker!"

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed, but a friend with gold is the best I'm told."

"Lep in da Hood, come to do no good!"

"It's Chucky on crack! Shoot that motherfucker!"

"We need to change a few things. I ain't with that "save the fucking hood" bullshit, "treat your girl right", that shit is wack. All right? This label, we rap about Uzis, blowing motherfuckers' heads off. Know what I'm saying? "Smack your bitch up", "Shoot your motherfucking homeboy in the face", type shit. All right?"

"We be like Robin Hood, only we're robbin' in da hood!"

"I've caught you now, you thieving hoods - you've got more loot than Tiger Woods!"

"Now find me gold in record time, or you'll suffer a bloody hideous crime!"

"Hey shorty, you ain't even as big as my dick!"

"All kidding aside, it's time to die."

"I hate to resort so soon to magic, I haven't been laid in so long it's tragic."

"I didn't come to play with fruit - I came to find me magic flute."

Poetry for the soul.

On the other hand, the movie reaches an all-time low when our protagonist, cross-dressing as part of some scheme, almost gives the Lep a blow job. Thanks for that, movie.

Also, Coolio (remember him?) has an inexplicable walk-on. On the basis of evidence presented, he was wandering around LA and was lured on set with the promise of cheap weed. It's hell being a washed-up one-hit wonder.

Oh, did I mention the rapping? Allow me to present...

The Greatest Scene In Movie History!

PS: Director Rob Spera pointedly refuses to acknowledge this film on his website. What masterpieces have you made since, exactly?

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood (2003, Steven Ayromlooi)

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood is the series' laziest entry. The series wrung pretty much every offensive stereotype and fish-out-of-water gag from the Lep's first ghetto trip so why the return engagement? Think of the lost opportunities: Leprechaun on Spring Break. Leprechaun Cruise. Lep in da Retirement Home. Leprechaun of Arabia. Citizen Leprechaun.

What really sinks Back 2 is Lep scarcity. The movie wastes too much time on its boring human cast, with the Leprechaun not even making a proper entrance for half-an-hour. When he finally appears, Warwick Davis is just a prop for dumb sight gags: See the Lep smoking a bong! See him engage in phone sex! See him get shoved in a fridge and massage a fat lady with his feet! Suffice it to say this vein of "humor" runs out really fast. Even his catchphrase ("What's up ninjas?") lacks the appropriate sparkle. "Lep in the Hood, Come to Do No Good" is Noel Coward in comparison.

And with that...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!