Snow White and the Huntsman

Watching Snow White and the Huntsman (2012), something occurred to me: when exactly did Hollywood decide that fantasy equals dreary garbage? Fantasy certainly can be dark or violent but must it be drab, depressing and dull? Where's the sense of wonder, the escapism? Is it impossible to make something fantastic without wallowing in mud, filth and Kristen Stewart?

After taking over the Kingdom of Tabor, evil Queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) imprisons Snow White (Kristen Stewart), the princess and "fairest of the land." Ravenna gets her powers consuming the beauty of young girls, while her magic mirror preens her ego every so often. Snow White escapes, and the Queen hires Eric (Chris Hemsworth), a drunken wastrel to retrieve Snow White. Eric soon changes his mind, and Snowy and her new pal join the Seven Dwarves (Bob Hoskins, Ian McShane, Toby Jones, etc.) and other disaffecteds in a bid to oust Ravenna.

Following the lead of Robin Hood and Alice in Wonderland, Snow White and the Huntsman turns a fairy tale into a half-wit actioner that leaves no cliche unturned. Besides being more downbeat than Bicycle Thieves and violent than Death Wish, it's thoroughly formula. Snow White is another chosen one who must seize her destiny, become a warrior queen and bleat out a call to arms that makes Keira Knightley's screeching in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End sound like Henry V. Ravenna is a misandrist avenger, while Eric changes from drunken mercenary to noble hero with incredulous rapidity. Need you ask if it climaxes with a giant, overlong battle? For anyone who's ever watched a movie, there's nothing new.

Obviously director Rupert Sanders spared no expense bringing his vision to the screen. Too bad it's the vision of a hack who watched Avatar 500 times. We've reached the point where few CGI-laden spectaculars can genuinely wow an audience. Lord of the Rings reject monsters aren't impressive, nor is the shadowy "forbidden forest," nor are the Seven Dwarves nor even the verdant fairy world's pixel bunnies (which at least provide respite from the pervasive gloom). The few neat images involve Ravenna, dousing herself in white fluid (no Freud jokes please) and morphing into oily ravens. Mostly they spent $170 million making Snow White look exactly like every other blockbuster.

The closest thing to a saving grace is Charlize Theron. She recognizes the film is garbage and goes all out with a nostril-flaring, eye-bugging, constantly-shouting ham performance that's fun up to a point. Kristen Stewart is predictably lobotomized, convincing as neither "the fairest of them all" nor an action heroine. Chris Hemsworth somehow tops her, sporting a Scottish accent that wouldn't pass muster in a high school production of Brigadoon. "Wut da YOO nuh uh Zorro?" he inexplicably demands of Snowy. Maybe he meant sorrow. Who knows?

I recently argued with friends who don't understand why I watch art house flicks like The Damned and Germany Year Zero. Well, if commercial junk like Snow White and the Huntsman is the alternative, I'll be watching impoverished German kids jump off buildings for decades to come.