Don Camillo and the beachball (with apologies to Giovanni Guareschi)

Was it you who left the beachball on the altar Peppone?

"As Don Camillo made his way to the sacristy a sudden gust of wind took his biretta from his head and playfully tossed it back towards the door of the confessional.

Inwardly he scolded the sacristan for leaving one of the church windows open but then, upon arriving at the sanctuary, he saw that someone (presumably entering through the open window), had left a beachball on the altar.

“What is this nonsense Lord?” said Don Camillo.

“What do you mean?” said the figure of Christ from the crucifix above the altar.

“It’s only a beachball, Don Camillo, it is not as if it were a bomb or a nasty letter”

“But Lord” said Don Camillo, a beachball has no place on your altar where, in a few minutes time, I will be placing your Body and Blood; the altar is specifically reserve for specific objects, chalices, patens, ciborium, altar cards and so on – even the water and wine cruets are not placed on your altar”

The crucified Christ sighed and said: “Well, you are right, of course, Don Camillo, but can’t we overlook this show of frivolity just this once, I’m sure the person placing it there meant well”.

With this Don Camillo asked his leave of the Lord and went to the sacristy to vest for Mass.

Afterwards (and not even stopping for his customary few minutes thanksgiving at the foot of the cross), he dashed off to the People’s Palace to confront the Mayor whom he suspected of being behind this despicable act.

“Good morning Comrade Mayor” said Don Camillo with heavy irony: “I assume it was one of your henchmen who violated the altar during the night?”

“What are you talking about? Said Mayor Peppone: “Have you been drinking grappa at this early hour?”

Don Camillo picked up a bench of some considerable proportions and advanced on Peppone muttering through gritted teeth: “I’ll teach you to leave a beachball on the altar of the Lord”

Mayor Peppone was perplexed: “A beachball?” he said, “Left on the altar? Sounds more like one of the village lads playing a prank on you. 

Go home Don Camillo and take a few of those blood pressure pills, then you might be able to think a little more clearly”.

When Don Camillo returned to his church he was absolutely astounded to find the window open yet again.

He dashed to the altar and there, to his dismay, was a guitar and a copy of the Paul Inwood Hymnbook.

“Lord” he exclaimed to the crucified Christ: “who is persecuting me in this fashion?”

“No one is persecuting you, Don Camillo” said Christ, “It is me they are after and really, beachballs and guitars are much less offensive than whips and nails..... ......although, I do draw the line at the hymnbook.”