Are you introverted, selfish and something of a miser?

Mean? Moi?

Do you, for example, keep yourself to yourself and squirrel away your valuables in a drawer somewhere?

Do you insist on keeping things that you love, secret.......known only to yourself?

And do you refuse to share your riches, even the smallest amount, with your fellow man?

Well, let me put this as sensitively and charitably as possible.

You are a miser; a mean person who thinks only of their own needs and ignores those of your fellow man (sorry, person).

You are guilty of selfishness and greed, not to say avarice and lust and you must change!

Your liberal Catholic contemporaries (and some of your orthodox ones) are deserving of your charity.

Here are some guiding points to help you become less self centred and more charitable:-

1. Attend Mass in the Extraordinary Form and, what is more, tell your friends and family about it. You may lose a few (quite a few) in the process but, hey, at least you are saving them from the sin of culpable ignorance - the sin of wilful ignorance is now firmly in their court.

2. Oppose all the wishy washy words and actions of parish liturgists, greeters, choreographers, members of ACTA and others of the same ilk. They are a cancer eating away at the heart of the Faith and, without giving them too much credit for being taken seriously, should be spiritually head butted whenever possible.

3. Keep up a line of communication with your Bishop, even though it's like trying to empty the sea with a limpet shell. Be kind to him, remember he may never hear the words: "Well done thou good and faithful servant"

4. Evangelise your fellow Catholics but, again, don't beat them over the head with the complete works of Michael Davies. Speak softly to them and gently point out the facts.....ask them to look in their spiritual mirror and reflect on whether they look like a soldier of Christ.

5. Tackle your parish priest, not in the rugby sense (although, it might have to come to that). Ask him why, if Andrea Bocelli can sing modern music and then switch to La Traviata and Nigel Kennedy can play jazz as well as classical, why can't he say the Latin Mass?

6. Share yourself with others. Don't rush off after Mass, stay and have a cup of coffee with some of the nutters and aged nutters that went to make up the congregation. They need you, they need to know that they are not alone and that others are coming along who will shoulder the burden of being a traditional Catholic. You have a lot to offer so please share it.

7. Attend a pilgrimage, pro life vigil or retreat - graces will flow to you that will help you become generous with your spiritual wealth.

8. Display your finery whenever possible. Say Grace before meals in public as well as private, refuse the Sunday football match if it clashes with Mass (and tell your friends why), pray the Rosary on the train, in the surgery, at the cinema, anywhere, in fact, where you have a minute to spare.

9. Give away your possessions; orthodox books, dvds, pictures and statues (you have far too many anyway). They may help inspire and enthuse a fellow Catholic.

10. Buy up Rosaries on Ebay, get them blessed and give them away to your friends, to the sick, the aged and infirm and to young children. That is a gift more precious than pearls.

So, forget all that hogwash about being judgemental and remember that you once received the Sacrament of Confirmation.

That was not a one off sacramental experience, that was a lifelong suit of armour enabling you to be a soldier for Jesus Christ until such time as He calls you.

Then, and only then, can you lay down your sword and hang up your coat of mail.

Just what sort of a Catholic are you?

Want to know if you are a traditional Catholic, a liberal or a reactionary, misguided omadhaun?

"Umm....maybe I'm in the omadhaun category"

Take this test that will tell you precisely where you stand in the Church.

Left, right or centre.

Please check through from 1 to 12 selecting one option from each numerical unit.

Each point is a question based on an action, preference or belief:-

 1a) Prefer to receive Holy Communion standing and in the hand
 1b. Receive Holy Communion kneeling by mouth
 1c) Sitting in a circle and passing the Body of Christ around

2a) Dislike electric candles

2b) Have an affection for felt banners in church

2c) New age incense and Buddha sticks are your thing

 3a) Mass with clown priests and fancy tricks turns you on
 3b) You inhale deeply when the thurible passes by

 3c) Dancing on the sanctuary holds a certain fascination for you

4a) Latin is the universal language of the Church
4b) Inclusive language in all things man sorry! person

4c) Any language is OK (as long as it’s not Latin)

5a) Reserve hair and nail clippings just in case you become a saint

5b) Believe that we all go to heaven (apart from Adolf Hitler and a few others)

5c) Want to come back to earth as a butterfly

6a) Like Mass in churches that are rectangular with stained glass

6b) Prefer Masses in round churches round like a distorted spaceship

6c) Adopt a ‘let’s do it here’ approach as to where you attend Mass

7a) ‘‘Shine, Jesus Shine"

7b) "Faith of Our Fathers"

7c) "I wish I was a Wriggly Worm"

8a) Pray quietly with joined hands

8b) Hold the ‘invisible beachball’

8c) Wiggle your hands in the air whilst ululating

9a) Read the missal version of the kiss of peace
9b) Go for the full on lips approach

9c) Give your neighbour in the pew a bear hug

10a) Debate on the concept of hypostatic union in the pub

10b) Have difficulty in naming the seven sacraments

10c) Don’t know what a sacrament is

11a) Read The Catholic Herald
11b) The Catholic Times
11c) Remove old copies of The Tablet for re-cycling

12a) Drink vanilla and peach tea
12b) Red wine or real ale

12c) Alcohol free lager shandy

Now, here is the analysis of your scores:

If you answered as follows (1b/2a/3b/4a/5a/6a/7b/8a/9a/10a/11c/12b)

Then, congratulations, you are a true blue, traditional a Catholic - an asset to any parish.

We recommend:

Keeping on the path you have selected, the following steps will help you:-

a) Break into Salve Regina at the top of your voice when in the bank or supermarket
b) Ask your priest if he will drop the Lakota Mass and replace it with a Latin one.
c) Knee in the groin any professional parish 'greeter' who meets you outside church

However, if you scored read as: (1a/2b/3c/4c/5b/6b/7a/8b/9c/10b/11a/12c)

You are definitely in the liberal category (hard luck). You probably also favour women priests, married clergy and believe that mortal sin died the death some few minutes before Vatican II sat for the first time.

We recommend:

a) Buy a copy of the Catechism and memorise it
b) Say the following line before you climb into bed each night: "Dogma is unchangeable, the Catholic Church is our authority" - repeat this several thousand times.
c) Take more exercise - try touching the floor with your knees regularly.

And, finally, if you scored as follows:- (1c/2c/3a/4b/5c/6c/7c/8c/9b/10c/11b/12c)

You are a misguided omadhaun and need to purify your system, start by drinking five gallons of holy water a day and then:

We recommend:

a) Attend regular colonic irrigation sessions, North Korean style
b) Burn all unCatholic possessions such as buddha place mats and photographs of your bishop.
c) Cancel your liturgical dance classes and take up plainchant

And, should you fall outside of all of those categories, then, sorry, but you are on the wrong bus.

We recommend:

a) A do it yourself lobotomy kit comprising one club hammer and a cold chisel

And, if you conduct point a) successfully, you will be relieved to know that there is no point b) or c).

Tinker, Tailor, Liberal, Traditionalist, Orthodox, Modernist?

Big Ears was a Traditionalist

It seems that people, understandably, do not like labels.

But the word 'Catholic' is a label and, back in the early 60s it was enough to establish your spiritual lineage.

Now it is not.

So, we have become fragmented and divided; we are no longer one holy Catholic and apostolic Church.

We are modernists, CINOs, uber conservatives, right wingers, liberals and so on.

And the labels are often inaccurate; I really do not know how I would describe myself.

I am right wing politically, but does that apply also to my Faith?

I believe the core of the problem lies in the fact that our secular acts are working in opposition to our spiritual ones.

We like to stand and receive the Host in our hand, therefore, we are liberal.

We prefer to kneel and receive by mouth, therefore, we are......what?

When I first entered the education sector back in 1989 one of my first duties was to send a group of lecturers to our local Ferryside post graduate teacher training base. I forget the nature of the course, it has no relevance.

When they returned I asked how the day had been received and I was told this story:-

" They put us into two groups with the College X staff in one and us in the other. And then they called us Group A and Group B.
Well, College X did not like to be referred to as 'Group B as they felt that was second rate so the instructors deliberated for ten minutes and then re-classified us as Group 1 and Group 2.

We were now Group 2 and we felt that we had been relegated to second place so we objected.

The instructors thought again and came up with the idea of Black Group and White Group but College X felt that to be dubbed 'Black' was insulting (but not in a racial context, of course).

We then had the mid morning break while various other ideas were put to us and all were rejected.

At about 11.15am, the instructors came back in and offered us the titles of Pixie Group and Fairy Group and these were found to be acceptable to both teams".

So that's it then.


History was made on that day in October 1989 - the link to Catholic identity was outlined for the very first time.

So, I propose that this innovative lead is adopted at once and, from now on we shall be known by the following nomenclature:-

Liberals - Fairies

Modernists - Goblins

Traditionalists - Dwarves

Orthodox - Elves

Charismatics - Pixies

Job done!

You know that you're a Catholic when you.....

• Only have plainchant CDs in your car
• Genuflect absent mindedly when taking your seat at the cinema
• Bless yourself when the waiter places the finger bowl on your table
• Have 'Faith of Our Fathers' as your ring tone
• Crave to eat meat on Fridays
• Plan your summer holiday around Latin Mass centres
• Ask for a tomato juice with worcester sauce - never a 'Virgin Mary'
• Are pleased at receiving a crucifix as a birthday present
• Believe that the best use for 'The Tablet' is as shredded bedding for the pet rabbit 

Some charismatics will stop at nothing

Pity the poor traditional Catholic in this clip.

He's in a corner, literally, and the cheerleader (choirmaster) with the bowtie and gun, is encouraging him to sing a la charismatic style...."If you're happy and you know it...."

Images that I like

No silly capering or prancing, no guitars or liturgical dancing......these images spell out for me the essence of the Catholic faith, the traditional Catholic faith.
Thanks to Christine at Laudem Gloriae