Down with "ists"

Are you an "ist?"

Do you know of any?

Perhaps your next door neighbour is an "ist" or, maybe, your Parish Priest is one.

According to one famous blogger, the Dame Edna of the blogging world, "ists" are everywhere and they should be thrown onto a bonfire or racked for a day or two to teach 'em a lesson (no, the Dame did not actually use those words but she is most displeased with "ists" and I have no doubt that she would like to impose some form of modern day punishment upon them).

A good beating about the head with a rolled up copy of the Tablet or a home baked giant cupcake rammed down the throat is more her preferred style of punishment, but back to the "ists".

They are, of course those Catholics who might harbour pious thoughts regarding Fatima and the (whisper it softly) Third Secret.

Some like to speculate that there's more to the Third Secret than meets the eye.

A notorious 'Fatimist'

If you believe that then you're a "Fatimist" and should purge yourself by reading one of the Dame's religious tracts whilst gulping down a gallon of chilli castor oil.
Or, if you seriously wish to punish yourself, just read the tract.

Next on the list of "ists" is the "Latinist".

Sit iucundus tibi dies - infantem!

This has a slightly unwholesome ring to it and conjures up visions of some sinister swivel eyed loon who mutters Latin phrases to himself whereas, as we all know, those who favour Latin as per the EF Mass, are all sensible, attractive types with no vices whatsoever.

Finally, we come to the worst "ist" of the lot. The Lefebvrist or Traditionalist (the Dame and her chums often seem to lump the two together, and why not? They are both "ists").

Traditionalists are really not Catholic at all; they form a sub human level of society somewhere between devil worshippers and heretics (if she only knew).

Dame Edna hates anything with an "ist" attached to it

The illustrious Dame speaks of Traditionalists as if she is describing something nasty found on the sole of her shoe after a walk in the park.

Which leaves me wondering....what does she believe in?

Where does she stand with regard to the Faith?

Yes, yes, I know the answer to that one, it's a well used old saw to say "But I'm just a Catholic" as if that, in today's world, answers everything.

Well, you can dance naked round a pentagram and call yourself a Catholic or you can attend Masses where the celebrant wears sweater and jeans and call yourself one.

We are no longer one, holy, Catholic Church, we are a spectrum of disparate colours and I would much rather be described as an "ist" than as a charismatic.

She has not mentioned 'Modernists', however.

I wonder why?

Tinker, Tailor, Liberal, Traditionalist, Orthodox, Modernist?

Big Ears was a Traditionalist

It seems that people, understandably, do not like labels.

But the word 'Catholic' is a label and, back in the early 60s it was enough to establish your spiritual lineage.

Now it is not.

So, we have become fragmented and divided; we are no longer one holy Catholic and apostolic Church.

We are modernists, CINOs, uber conservatives, right wingers, liberals and so on.

And the labels are often inaccurate; I really do not know how I would describe myself.

I am right wing politically, but does that apply also to my Faith?

I believe the core of the problem lies in the fact that our secular acts are working in opposition to our spiritual ones.

We like to stand and receive the Host in our hand, therefore, we are liberal.

We prefer to kneel and receive by mouth, therefore, we are......what?

When I first entered the education sector back in 1989 one of my first duties was to send a group of lecturers to our local Ferryside post graduate teacher training base. I forget the nature of the course, it has no relevance.

When they returned I asked how the day had been received and I was told this story:-

" They put us into two groups with the College X staff in one and us in the other. And then they called us Group A and Group B.
Well, College X did not like to be referred to as 'Group B as they felt that was second rate so the instructors deliberated for ten minutes and then re-classified us as Group 1 and Group 2.

We were now Group 2 and we felt that we had been relegated to second place so we objected.

The instructors thought again and came up with the idea of Black Group and White Group but College X felt that to be dubbed 'Black' was insulting (but not in a racial context, of course).

We then had the mid morning break while various other ideas were put to us and all were rejected.

At about 11.15am, the instructors came back in and offered us the titles of Pixie Group and Fairy Group and these were found to be acceptable to both teams".

So that's it then.


History was made on that day in October 1989 - the link to Catholic identity was outlined for the very first time.

So, I propose that this innovative lead is adopted at once and, from now on we shall be known by the following nomenclature:-

Liberals - Fairies

Modernists - Goblins

Traditionalists - Dwarves

Orthodox - Elves

Charismatics - Pixies

Job done!

Funny old world

                                     Liberal Catholics wail and shriek

During the reign of Pope John Paul II, liberal Catholics would wail and shriek that they were in the grip of a traditional conservative who wanted to stamp out all that was warm and cuddly in the Faith.

Now, they look back with affection at Blessed John Paul II and recall "the good old days" while they wail and shriek that they are now in the hands of a traditional, conservative, Pope Benedict XVI.

Just wait till we get a real, conservative, traditional pope a la Pope
St Pius X......then we could all wail and shriek.

There are old Catholics and there are bold Catholics......

......but there are no old, bold Catholics.

I'm sorry to snaffle the old aviation joke but it rings true for the state of the Catholic laity today.

A phenomonen occurred in the wake of Vatican II; seemingly orthodox and conservative Catholics became, within ten years, rabid left wing liberals.

They embraced the new religion much as, in Reformation times, the population embraced Protestantism.

The mantra went up a la Animal Farm, 'New good, old bad' and that has now become so embedded in the liberal psyche that many modern Catholics will challenge the Holy Father and Church Doctrine on all matters that, fifty years ago, would have been obediently accepted.

Old Catholics at Mass

Two comments that I have heard in the past couple of years from liberal Catholics;

"I don't like the Pope"  and, "The Pope's an idiot"

Both are unacceptable and the latter is most certainly untrue. But what is it that provokes such antipathy?

We could now debate the decline in moral values and increase of relativism but that is not really my point. The fact is that those who stand up for the Faith today are not the children of the sixties but the new generation; children of the 80s and 90s.

Modern Catholics at Mass

(Latin Mass Society picture)

Look at the increase in home schooling and then look at the average home schooling family; young, traditional and loyal to the magisterium.

Look at the 70 and 80 year old liberals and you see bitterness, regret, paranoia and the sins of Adam and Eve reflected in their faces; pride, envy and jealousy of God. All are gateways to disobedience.

And, most poignant of all, it is those who follow the liberal theology who are now classed as old fashioned and outdated.

Dancing on the sanctuary, standing to receive in the hand, obliteration of the Sacrament of Confession, chattering in Church, extraordinary ministers - all look as topical as flared trousers and men's ponytails.

Reverence, humility, obedience and the old rite of Mass are all cutting edge.

The story of a convent school

This brief series of facts plot how, over the course of 10 years, a Catholic Convent School went from being fairly orthodox in its approach to education and the faith to being over the top modernist.

 By that I mean that it travelled from the margins of being a reasonably good school teaching the faith well and achieving good academic results to being a dung heap of secular, politically correct and religiously effete garbage.

For the sake of brevity I have placed this information as bullet points....

• 1986 - The school has a population of 80% Catholic pupils and 20% non Catholics. It enjoys a good academic reputation and the children, when they progress to secondary school, are regarded as exceptionally well behaved by their new teachers. The headteacher is a nun who wears a wimple and habit and she has two other teaching nuns as well as Catholic laypeople on the staff.

• 1989 - by now all four of our children are at this school and doing reasonably well. We have concerns about the teaching of RE as it seems to comprise solely of learning the parables (and doing paintings of scenes from the parables). Each Christmas the school produces a nativity play which involves all of the pupils. School Sports Day in the summer period is popular with parents and there is a standard prize structure for those coming first, second and third.

• 1990 - School Masses have become so crass and banal that we withdraw our children from receiving the sacraments at them. School Sports Day now comprises of races where all participants receive a prize; there is no first, second and third prize structure. At Christmas the nativity play has been replaced by a semi comical musical about Herod and the nativity.

• 1992 - A group of Baptist ministers are given access to the children and catechise them in the course of one day. The first we know about it is when the children bring leaflets home with them describing how Jesus had brothers and sisters and that he was 'just a prophet'. Complaining just means that our children receive even greater discrimination from the teaching staff. By now the nativity play and the semi religious musical have gone and in their place is a panto type production, no mention of the Christmas story whatsoever.

• 1994 - The nuns have discarded their habits and wear the mandatory M&S outfits, their hair is permed. The RE element has not changed; the classroom walls are still plastered with pictures of Zacchaeus up a tree. The only element of change is that the older classes have more realistic pictures. Several of the teachers are now non Catholics and have no appreciation of our concerns. It is hard to spot a crucifix in the school now.

• 1996 - The only nun on the staff is the headteacher. 80% of the pupils are non Catholic and only 20% Catholic. School Masses are a debacle with pottery chalices and many interuptions with wisecracks from the priest. When asked if he would go into the non Catholic secondary school to catechise the children the priest replied: "What's the point they are only going to lose the faith anyway."

Zacchaeus seemed to spend at least
ten academic years up that tree!

So when people say to me "But we are all the same, we are all Catholics" I beg to differ. The modernist Catholic element is not deserving of any respect whatsoever, it has done enormous harm to the Church and probably lost many souls in the process. And the souls that it has lost are, in the main, those of children, too young to rationalise their faith but old enough to see that what they were being offered in the guise of RE was pure pap.
That is an awful holocaust of young souls; we grieve for the three thousand physical losses of 9/11 but modernism has many, many millions of spiritual losses to its eternal shame.

Just as a footnote to the above bullet points. The Parish Priest of such laxity had to leave the country overnight after being apprehended for soliciting in a public lavatory. His Curate, who had denounced my family as being 'heretics' and had turned many of his parish against us, ran off with a divorcee with four children.
I mention these points to illustrate that invariably there is a link between a decline in teaching the faith and the morals of those charged with the teaching.

HOW DO YOU RATE AS A CATHOLIC?

Just what sort of a Catholic are you?

Fill in this self-assessment form to find the answer…….

Q1. It is the beginning of the Offertory do you……

a)     Have an overwhelming desire to rush up to the sanctuary and perform an
    elaborate liturgical waltz?    *

b)     Start fumbling in your pocket looking for the smallest denomination coin available?    *

c)      Commence silent preparations for the

     moment of consecration?  *

Q2. Your CD selection in your car comprises…….

a)     ‘Shine Jesus shine’ and other modern hymns for ecumenical swingers   *

b)     Charlotte Church singing ‘Ave Maria’  *

c)      Plainchant  *

Q3.  There’s a knock on your door and it’s a Baptist Minister looking for converts. Do you………….

a)     Give him a hug and tell him we are all one in the brotherhood of man?  *

b)     Tell him you are house sitting for a friend?  *

c)      Involve him in a debate on the one true Church?  *

Q4. You meet your local PP in the supermarket and he’s dressed in three quarter length jeans with a suede jacket. Do you….

a)     Wave and call out “Hi Jimmy”?  *

b)     Ask him where he bought the suede jacket?  *

c)      Remind him that there is a requirement for a priest to wear clerical dress on such occasions and that, anyway, his dress sense is crap?  *

Q5.  It’s Sunday and you are ill in bed. A knock at the door reveals an
       EMHC bringing you Holy Communion. Do you………………

a)     Say ‘Come on up’ and hold out your hand?  *

b)     Call out that you have bubonic plague and that it may be catching?  *

c)      Ask him/her to first hear your confession?  *

Q6. Your PP announces that he is going to hold a ‘Clown Mass’ to bring in more
people and make the Mass more inclusive. Do you…..

a)     Look out your old Coco the Clown outfit?  *

b)     Tell him that you are coulrophobic ? *

c)      Thumb through the Catholic Directory to look for another

Parish?  *

Q7. You are asked to write an article about your hobbies/interests for the parish mag. Do you…….

a)     Submit a fascinating thesis on why you believe that women   
       should be priests?  *

b)     Draft out 500 words on your stamp collection?  *

c)      Write how you first became interested in burning heretics?  *

Q8.   EWTN are running an amazing series on Catholic dishes that take 
         minutes
          to prepare. Do you…….

a)     Set your TV selection to come on at the right day and time?  *

b)     Switch to Rick Stein’s Far East Odyssey?  *

c)      Go down the pub?  *

Q9. You notice a pile of copies of The Tablet (NCR) at the back of the
       Church.
       Do you…..

a)     Eagerly put some cash in the box and walk out with a copy?  *

b)     Look around to see if The Catholic Times is available?  *

c)      Pick up all copies of The Tablet and bin them?   *

Q10. The Bishop writes you a letter inviting you to sit on a Diocesan 
         Advisory
         Panel. Do you…….

a)     Suffer a bout of incontinence and hastily hand deliver a
       letter of acceptance?  *

b)     Reply stating that you would be most honoured?  *

c)      Faint?  *

SCORING:

All a)s count as five points, b)s as ten and c)s as fifteen –

Now, if your score was in the range of 50 to 80 please
take a seat while I tell you that you really belong in a happy
 clappy new age sort of church. You don’t have the foggiest
 idea as to what the Catholic Church is about and you
have no intention of finding out but you do enjoy self
indulgence. Recommended treatment: A 2 week retreat
on Papa Stronsay and flagellation twice daily.

If you scored over 80 but below 140 you definitely fall
into the CINO category (Catholic In Name Only). You
sit on the fence whilst going through the motions of
 loyalty to the Magisterium, you probably read
Mgr Basil Loftus and your favourite tipple would
be Shandy Lite!

140 plus and you are definitely on the right track
although it may not feel like it most of the time.
You actually relish attending Mass and yearn for
Benediction more than only when there is an ‘r’ in
 the month.

You drink either red wine or Reverend James Bitter
 (OK, any real ale) and you punctuate a conversation
 with phrases such as ‘diochronicity’ ‘supernatural
 existential’ and ‘the hermeneutic of continuity’.

And if you score 150! You are truly one of the
 extraordinarii!

No longer 'liberal' or 'modernist' they are 'entertainers'!

I have been informed that the British Gas Call Centre in Cardiff (Capital City of Wales for my US friends) is the largest in Europe, employing over 1500 people to sit and speak to customers non stop for X number of hours each day.

British Gas Call Centre Cardiff - a hard way to earn a living!

It is a hard way to earn a living and, it transpires that the Call Centre has not been doing too well of late. Staff turnover was a staggering 67%, average length of waiting time for a customer to speak to an operator was in excess of 2.5 minutes....hard for citizens of the USA to comprehend, used as they are to exceedingly high levels of service.
In Japan, a shop assistant or hotel clerk will actually run to you rather than keep you waiting...but I digress.


So, British Gas took a long, hard look at their operation and re-jigged it to make it more efficient.
Part of this exercise involved identifying customers by giving them a category according to their approach. In this way, they were able to immediately assess a caller and 'stream' them into a pathway that was ideally suited to their needs.
How did they identify them? By their characteristics.
So, a demanding and authoritarian voice was nominated as a "Controller", a whimsical, imprecise voice was an "Entertainer" and a sensible, clearly defined voice became a "Thinker".  I think I recall the advertising agents, Young and Rubicam doing a similar sort of socio economic type of profiling back in the 60s - back then they had "Crusaders" as one of the categories - the remainder are locked irretrievably in the grey blob within my skull commonly referred to as my brain.


So, let's apply this to the Catholic faithful shall we? Is that just too naughty of me?
I think that the extreme right wingers, the SSPXrs that segment who eschew any dealings with Rome; they are definitely "Controllers." The extreme left, on the other hand, the liberal, modernist 'pick 'n' mix' Catholics, they are the "Entertainers" (of course), and that just leaves the sensible, Traditional lobby as "Thinkers" - job done! Of course, I fall into the latter category...
.......did I forget to say that smugness is another characteristic of the "Thinker?"


And, finally, just to finish off on the British Gas front. After making these changes their staff turnover dropped to 13% and customer waiting time shrank to 7 seconds. That's what happens when you employ a consultant!