Down with "ists"

Are you an "ist?"

Do you know of any?

Perhaps your next door neighbour is an "ist" or, maybe, your Parish Priest is one.

According to one famous blogger, the Dame Edna of the blogging world, "ists" are everywhere and they should be thrown onto a bonfire or racked for a day or two to teach 'em a lesson (no, the Dame did not actually use those words but she is most displeased with "ists" and I have no doubt that she would like to impose some form of modern day punishment upon them).

A good beating about the head with a rolled up copy of the Tablet or a home baked giant cupcake rammed down the throat is more her preferred style of punishment, but back to the "ists".

They are, of course those Catholics who might harbour pious thoughts regarding Fatima and the (whisper it softly) Third Secret.

Some like to speculate that there's more to the Third Secret than meets the eye.

A notorious 'Fatimist'

If you believe that then you're a "Fatimist" and should purge yourself by reading one of the Dame's religious tracts whilst gulping down a gallon of chilli castor oil.
Or, if you seriously wish to punish yourself, just read the tract.

Next on the list of "ists" is the "Latinist".

Sit iucundus tibi dies - infantem!

This has a slightly unwholesome ring to it and conjures up visions of some sinister swivel eyed loon who mutters Latin phrases to himself whereas, as we all know, those who favour Latin as per the EF Mass, are all sensible, attractive types with no vices whatsoever.

Finally, we come to the worst "ist" of the lot. The Lefebvrist or Traditionalist (the Dame and her chums often seem to lump the two together, and why not? They are both "ists").

Traditionalists are really not Catholic at all; they form a sub human level of society somewhere between devil worshippers and heretics (if she only knew).

Dame Edna hates anything with an "ist" attached to it

The illustrious Dame speaks of Traditionalists as if she is describing something nasty found on the sole of her shoe after a walk in the park.

Which leaves me wondering....what does she believe in?

Where does she stand with regard to the Faith?

Yes, yes, I know the answer to that one, it's a well used old saw to say "But I'm just a Catholic" as if that, in today's world, answers everything.

Well, you can dance naked round a pentagram and call yourself a Catholic or you can attend Masses where the celebrant wears sweater and jeans and call yourself one.

We are no longer one, holy, Catholic Church, we are a spectrum of disparate colours and I would much rather be described as an "ist" than as a charismatic.

She has not mentioned 'Modernists', however.

I wonder why?

We are Catholic gypsies

This phrase was used recently by a friend to describe our present state: we travel long distances to Mass, we are disenfranchised, homeless, despised by our fellow Catholics and disliked by those who have authority over us.

Good morning Bishop!

We are the wanderers who live hand to mouth, never sure that, should the time come, there will be a proper priest to bestow the final sacrament upon us.

A romantic notion is it not? A self pitying one? No, not that.

Romantic, maybe. But it also happens to be true and there are times when I get *****y fed up with it.

I mean, what would be so difficult about providing a Latin Mass in say, ten percent of the parishes (instead of one per cent).

Living in a large city as a traditional Catholic may mean a train or bus journey to Mass but here in wild and woolly Wales, every Mass we attend costs us around £28 each Sunday and, in terms of time, it takes up most of the day.

Tsk, tsk! you say; how dare you reduce Mass to calculations regarding petrol costs and your own precious time.

And, indeed, there are others worse off than us "gypsies" but that argument wears a bit thin after the first twenty years or so.

It is not as if we were asking for something unachievable, for something that was inherently bad that would lower our spiritual defences; quite the opposite.

The Holy Father has determined that we should have both an "Ordinary" Mass and an "Extraordinary" one - so why then do Bishops only make provision for the Ordinary one?

How can a Bishop sleep easy in his bed at night knowing that he has failed (and failed wretchedly) to comply with the Pope's express wishes?

Does he go to sleep blissfully happy that he has fulfilled his pastoral role to the letter?
Thinking that his flock all believe that he is the best thing since sliced bread?

Or, does he fretfully toss and turn in the knowledge that, in reality, a section of his flock believe him to be of slightly less use than a chocolate teapot?

Being traditional is not the preserve of the Latin lovers

I speak, of course, as a Latin Mass lover myself. But, there is much more to traditionalism than just the Latin; equally, one can be traditionalist as an OF Mass goer.

Uh? Is this man contradicting himself? I do not believe so, read on and find out.

Here are ten outward signs of a traditionalist Catholic (leaving aside the all important magisterium, doctrinal and sacramental beliefs).

1. Attends Masses that are celebrated ad orientum

2. Is quiet and reverential in church

3. Only receives Holy Communion kneeling (if possible), by mouth and from a

    priest

4. Always addresses a priest using the 'Father' prefix (unless he is your

    brother).

5. Observes the abstinence from meat rule on Fridays (even though it is not yet

    obligatory).

6. Makes a three hour fast before receiving Holy Communion.

7. Prefers plainchant to "Shine, Jesus shine" type hymns

8. Attends Benediction whenever possible

9. Avoids Masses where guitars are played, altar girls present or the liturgy

    distorted in any way.

10. Welcomes the new translation.

This is not meant to be an exhaustive list......

One picture is worth a thousand words....

Now there has been some comment floating around about bloggers voicing facts instead of opinions. Well, I mean for all of my posts to be my opinions within a framework of the teachings of the Catholic Church. For example, it is not 'wrong' to receive Our Lord at Communion, standing and by hand. But it is irreverent and crass to do so. That's my opinion, it just happens to be the same as the Holy Father's!

More on Catholic labels.....

Three Charismatic Catholics and three Liberal Catholics are travelling by train to a liturgical conference. At the station, the three Liberals each buy tickets and watch as the three Charismatics buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Liberal.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Charistmatic.

They all board the train. The Liberals take their respective seats but all three Charismatics cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Liberals saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Liberals decided to copy the Charismatics on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Charismatics don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Liberal. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Charismatic.

When they board the train, the three Liberals cram into a restroom and the three Charismatics cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Charismatics leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Liberals are hiding. 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

And the moral of the story is....become a good traditionalist and buy a ticket every time!

H/T to Clare Desai

HOW DO YOU RATE AS A CATHOLIC?

Just what sort of a Catholic are you?

Fill in this self-assessment form to find the answer…….

Q1. It is the beginning of the Offertory do you……

a)     Have an overwhelming desire to rush up to the sanctuary and perform an
    elaborate liturgical waltz?    *

b)     Start fumbling in your pocket looking for the smallest denomination coin available?    *

c)      Commence silent preparations for the

     moment of consecration?  *

Q2. Your CD selection in your car comprises…….

a)     ‘Shine Jesus shine’ and other modern hymns for ecumenical swingers   *

b)     Charlotte Church singing ‘Ave Maria’  *

c)      Plainchant  *

Q3.  There’s a knock on your door and it’s a Baptist Minister looking for converts. Do you………….

a)     Give him a hug and tell him we are all one in the brotherhood of man?  *

b)     Tell him you are house sitting for a friend?  *

c)      Involve him in a debate on the one true Church?  *

Q4. You meet your local PP in the supermarket and he’s dressed in three quarter length jeans with a suede jacket. Do you….

a)     Wave and call out “Hi Jimmy”?  *

b)     Ask him where he bought the suede jacket?  *

c)      Remind him that there is a requirement for a priest to wear clerical dress on such occasions and that, anyway, his dress sense is crap?  *

Q5.  It’s Sunday and you are ill in bed. A knock at the door reveals an
       EMHC bringing you Holy Communion. Do you………………

a)     Say ‘Come on up’ and hold out your hand?  *

b)     Call out that you have bubonic plague and that it may be catching?  *

c)      Ask him/her to first hear your confession?  *

Q6. Your PP announces that he is going to hold a ‘Clown Mass’ to bring in more
people and make the Mass more inclusive. Do you…..

a)     Look out your old Coco the Clown outfit?  *

b)     Tell him that you are coulrophobic ? *

c)      Thumb through the Catholic Directory to look for another

Parish?  *

Q7. You are asked to write an article about your hobbies/interests for the parish mag. Do you…….

a)     Submit a fascinating thesis on why you believe that women   
       should be priests?  *

b)     Draft out 500 words on your stamp collection?  *

c)      Write how you first became interested in burning heretics?  *

Q8.   EWTN are running an amazing series on Catholic dishes that take 
         minutes
          to prepare. Do you…….

a)     Set your TV selection to come on at the right day and time?  *

b)     Switch to Rick Stein’s Far East Odyssey?  *

c)      Go down the pub?  *

Q9. You notice a pile of copies of The Tablet (NCR) at the back of the
       Church.
       Do you…..

a)     Eagerly put some cash in the box and walk out with a copy?  *

b)     Look around to see if The Catholic Times is available?  *

c)      Pick up all copies of The Tablet and bin them?   *

Q10. The Bishop writes you a letter inviting you to sit on a Diocesan 
         Advisory
         Panel. Do you…….

a)     Suffer a bout of incontinence and hastily hand deliver a
       letter of acceptance?  *

b)     Reply stating that you would be most honoured?  *

c)      Faint?  *

SCORING:

All a)s count as five points, b)s as ten and c)s as fifteen –

Now, if your score was in the range of 50 to 80 please
take a seat while I tell you that you really belong in a happy
 clappy new age sort of church. You don’t have the foggiest
 idea as to what the Catholic Church is about and you
have no intention of finding out but you do enjoy self
indulgence. Recommended treatment: A 2 week retreat
on Papa Stronsay and flagellation twice daily.

If you scored over 80 but below 140 you definitely fall
into the CINO category (Catholic In Name Only). You
sit on the fence whilst going through the motions of
 loyalty to the Magisterium, you probably read
Mgr Basil Loftus and your favourite tipple would
be Shandy Lite!

140 plus and you are definitely on the right track
although it may not feel like it most of the time.
You actually relish attending Mass and yearn for
Benediction more than only when there is an ‘r’ in
 the month.

You drink either red wine or Reverend James Bitter
 (OK, any real ale) and you punctuate a conversation
 with phrases such as ‘diochronicity’ ‘supernatural
 existential’ and ‘the hermeneutic of continuity’.

And if you score 150! You are truly one of the
 extraordinarii!

No longer 'liberal' or 'modernist' they are 'entertainers'!

I have been informed that the British Gas Call Centre in Cardiff (Capital City of Wales for my US friends) is the largest in Europe, employing over 1500 people to sit and speak to customers non stop for X number of hours each day.

British Gas Call Centre Cardiff - a hard way to earn a living!

It is a hard way to earn a living and, it transpires that the Call Centre has not been doing too well of late. Staff turnover was a staggering 67%, average length of waiting time for a customer to speak to an operator was in excess of 2.5 minutes....hard for citizens of the USA to comprehend, used as they are to exceedingly high levels of service.
In Japan, a shop assistant or hotel clerk will actually run to you rather than keep you waiting...but I digress.


So, British Gas took a long, hard look at their operation and re-jigged it to make it more efficient.
Part of this exercise involved identifying customers by giving them a category according to their approach. In this way, they were able to immediately assess a caller and 'stream' them into a pathway that was ideally suited to their needs.
How did they identify them? By their characteristics.
So, a demanding and authoritarian voice was nominated as a "Controller", a whimsical, imprecise voice was an "Entertainer" and a sensible, clearly defined voice became a "Thinker".  I think I recall the advertising agents, Young and Rubicam doing a similar sort of socio economic type of profiling back in the 60s - back then they had "Crusaders" as one of the categories - the remainder are locked irretrievably in the grey blob within my skull commonly referred to as my brain.


So, let's apply this to the Catholic faithful shall we? Is that just too naughty of me?
I think that the extreme right wingers, the SSPXrs that segment who eschew any dealings with Rome; they are definitely "Controllers." The extreme left, on the other hand, the liberal, modernist 'pick 'n' mix' Catholics, they are the "Entertainers" (of course), and that just leaves the sensible, Traditional lobby as "Thinkers" - job done! Of course, I fall into the latter category...
.......did I forget to say that smugness is another characteristic of the "Thinker?"


And, finally, just to finish off on the British Gas front. After making these changes their staff turnover dropped to 13% and customer waiting time shrank to 7 seconds. That's what happens when you employ a consultant!

We are nothing more than 'second class trash who get pushed to the back of the bus'

Fr Z posted this comment referring to how Traditional Catholics are treated today, when writing about possible changes to the Summorum Pontificum (which he dismisses as being unfounded). For those of you who are less than 40 or so years of age, being 'second class trash forced to sit at the back of the bus' was the lot of negroes (now called black people) from the Southern States of the USA who, until civil rights legislation came into force, were treated abominably by some of their caucasian (white) fellow citizens.

Well, I've been at the back of the bus for a long time now and it doesn't get any easier, it's a bumpy old ride. But, I am not complaining, well, I am really but I like to pretend a little!

I often wonder how it would be if situations were reversed and followers of the Ordinary Form of Mass were asked to trash out at the back of the bus.
Try a few of these for size......

All aimed at the Liberal branch of the Catholic faith:-

1. I'm sorry but from now on your Sunday Mass will be at 5pm.

2. Oh, and only on the third Sunday of the month, but don't worry, we will arrange for a Wednesday afternoon Mass at 3pm - that will be every other week.

3. Sorry again! Forgot to say that your Sunday Masses will not be in your parish church any longer but we have arranged for Fr X in St Blog's to say it, it's only 65 miles away.

4. Silly me.....another memory slip...Mass will be in Tagalog from now on...we have 12 Phillipino nurses in the congregation you know.

5. Finally, let me say that we will "trial" this new arrangement for six months and if it does not work out, Masses will move to St Y's just north of the Scottish border.

Does that all seem a shade unreal? Do you think that it doesn't happen? Well, you are partly right. Point 5 has not happened to us yet......but give it time!

Liberals to the front, Traddy trash to the back!

"...a liberal by any other name may smell so sweet..."

We Catholics use tags to describe each other according to where we stand in respect of the Church and I am probably more guilty than most. They used to say, in Northern Ireland during the peak of the terrorist activity, that, strangers sitting opposite one another on a train would commence a polite conversation whose sole purpose, in its early stages, was to determine whether they were speaking to a Tadhg (Catholic) or a Prod (Protestant). Once these facts had been established the conversation could take a more general note but always avoiding the possibility of broaching a subject that might have been offensive to one's travelling companion. It was a form of acute courtesy.

So how should we describe one another? Take a look at a few of the options on offer:-

Liberal, Traditionalist, Modernist, Orthodox, Right wing, Left wing, Conservative.....

...plus many more besides.

It would be good, I feel, if we had courtesy tags so that any potential for offence is removed. The trouble is...where does one start?
I am happy with Orthodox Catholic as being descriptive of where I stand in the faith. That is, totally true to the teachings of the faith and the Holy Father.

But what do you feel?  Do you have a tag that you would like to put forward?  (no abuse please).
Does the camp divide into just Liberal and Orthodox? Or are there more compartments that need tagging? Or perhaps we should chuck all current tags out of the window and go for something totally off the wall...like......mmm.....dangerous territory, any suggestions?