The Cameronian Plan

A man goes for his Incapacity Benefit eligibility check up.

Doctor: "So, let's examine you. Ears seem okay, yes. Heartrate. Yes, that seems okay. Pupils, no dilation. You seem fine to me. What are your symptoms?"

Patient: "Well, I'm bi-polar, prone to massive moodswings and suicidal thoughts."

Doctor: "Well, chin up, son! I'm clearing you for work. There's nothing like good honest work for someone who gets down in the dumps. Gets you out of the house and gives you something to do, eh! Here's your form for the Jobcentre if you'd like to sign..."

Patient: "Well, if you insist."

The man goes to the Jobcentre.

Man: "I am looking for work."

Jobcentre Man: "Wonderful. We don't have much in, what with the biting recession. Still, what's your experience?"

Man: "Well I did some office work once and a bit of volunteering for a wildlife project."

Jobcentre Man: "Well, we don't have any of that I'm afraid, but we do have two training vacancies. One with a team doing scaffolding and another learning how to drive a crane."

Man: "I suffer suicidal thoughts, so I don't think that work is suitable."

Jobcentre Man: "Well, that's all we have on offer I'm afraid. Unemployment in this town is pretty high and someone else might take it if you don't."

Man: "I don't want those jobs."

Jobcentre Man: "I'm sorry. Do you have a note from the doctor saying you can't work?"

Man: "No. I have one saying I can work."

Jobcentre Man: "Well, congratulations! You can work, you lucky man. It's all we have. You had better take these training vacancies otherwise we've been instructed guidance to stop your claim."

Man: "Right."