Brown to Seek 'Special Relationship' with Obama

It's been freezing recently in the UK and President Obama reportedly has the heating on to max constantly at the White House, while developing policies to make everyone feel guilty about global warming. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, as we know, is a tight, fiscally prudent chap and so he has been on a trip to Washington to cosy up to the new President of the United States as No. 10's heating bills are going through the roof. According to the Telegraph the trip to Washington 'came after Mr Brown praised Mr Obama for following his lead in tackling the economic crisis.'

'Mr Brown will present Mr Obama with a pen-holder carved from the timbers of HMS Gannet, which was launched in 1878. Downing Street said timbers from the Gannet's sister ship, HMS Resolute, were used to make the desk in the Oval Office.'

Mr Brown added: "What I want to talk about is the renewal of our relationship for new times. This is clearly a different world from 50 years ago and what we have to do is work more closely together. If America and Britain did the same or similar things to deal with the economy then the effect of that will be magnified by all of us doing it together and that's really where we want to get to. It's a world downturn, it's not American or British or European, so if you have a global problem then you need global solutions and working with America and the rest of Europe we can do this."

Thrill TV was present at the intimate dialogue that took place between the two global Premiers...

PM Brown: "Most high, President, Emperor and King of the Free World, on behalf of my country I wish to profess our undying love for you, who are probably the best thing since the breadknife was invented and man was finally able to slice his bread and enjoy his toast."

President Obama: "Gee, thanks. Keep it light, though Gord, I mean this is just my honeymoon period. I could still really screw up yet. I'm trying not to...just...I can't stop spending money. Problem I've always had! If ever there was a problem, just spend money on it even though it is clearly a total waste of time and the ship is sinking...just keep bailing out the water with a bucket!"

PM Brown: "There is a way out of the economic crisis, dearly beloved. We forge a renewal of our special relationship."

President Obama: "A special relationship? Oh gee, I mean, we've only just met. You've met me once or twice and already you want a special relationship? I don't know...Your country is sweet and all but there are so many other countries we could have a special relationship with, like China or some despotic regime in Africa. We had a special relationship with you a while ago and it all went wrong...It got messy, you know. I don't know if we can take that heartbreak again."

PM Brown: "No, this time it would be different. I'm a different guy to the man who stood here before. I've changed! The country has changed!"

President Obama: "They all say that. I've had special relationships before and got burned. You know, convicted terrorists, the leaders of Planned Parenthood and some dictator in Kenya. I hurt easy, you know. People think I'm strong...I'm not that strong and I bleed when I get cut too."

PM Brown: "But I believe in you Barack! The country believes in you!"

President Obama: "You don't understand, Gordon. I'm no good. Every special relationship I've had has gone wrong. Its not you...its me. It isn't that your nation isn't attractive. You are! I just can't handle a relationship right now. I need to protect myself. I need to protect the country."

PM Brown: "Protectionism isn't the answer, Barack. We've been down that road before and people got really hurt."

President Obama: "I can't help it, Gordon. I'm just not ready for a relationship and that's all there is too it. My country is better off alone. That way, nobody gets hurt."

PM Brown: "I know what it is. You don't think you're worth it. Well, you only get one shot at economic and military happiness in this life and God knows I'm not going to let you blow it just because you and your country have got self-esteem issues. I suppose there is someone else isn't there?! Someone better than our country and me? Go on! Who is it? Who have you been having special relationships with?!"

President Obama: "I-I...Okay, there is someone else. Its-Its...Well, I met this guy recently who might become the new President of Europe and he's got so much charisma. I fell for him straight away...I don't know what it was, the steadfast grin or the teflon suit, he's called Tony Bl-"

PM Brown: "What!? Him!? Are you mad!?"

President Obama: "I can't help it Gordon, its love at first sight. I can't help the way I feel! Also, my global dictatorship, err...I mean influence will be incredibly increased once I have the ears of the whole of Europe. They say that size doesn't matter but its not true...the United Kingdom is small in comparison."

PM Brown: "I don't believe it! President Obama you have broken my heart! You have broken my heart! I suppose he was better than me, was he?! What was he like between the speeches!? Good was he? Enjoy it did you?! What has he got that I haven't got?"

President Obama: "I'm sorry. In time you'll understand. We're just not compatible. I mean there are so many other presidents out there you can forge a special relationship with. There are plenty more fish in the sea. I know you'll find the one who is right for you soon. I'm sorry...I have to go. Thanks for the pen holder...it'll be really useful for holding my err...pens..."

PM Brown: "Yeah, thanks for nothing! Sweet dreams Princess! I hope he makes you happy! I really do, but I'm telling you this for nothing. He's no good! I know him!

President Obama: "Other presidents say that, but they just don't know him like I do."

PM Brown: Nobody will ever love you like I do...Go on then, go! Walk out the door! I faked every economic forecast! But darling...I-"

The Ultimate Conspiracy Theory

NASA have painted the stars black. Everything you see in the sky now is a combination of satellites and an elaborate array of fairy lights. When asked about the latest conspiracy theory a NASA spokesman said, "Unlike going to the moon, sticking a flag in the ground and then b**gering off, never to return again, what you are suggesting would be a totally pointless waste of time and public money."

Take look at this picture. The Earth isn't round at all is it? No, its more of a semi-sphere or red kidney bean shape. We've all been hoodwinked.

Also, did you see that picture of the enormous CO2 monitoring space shuttle launch before it failed to separate and the mission was aborted? I mean, how "environmentally friendly" are big space shuttles and how much CO2 were they pumping into the atmosphere at launch time in order to monitor CO2 once the blasted thing was in space?

Well, I'll agree with Cherie on one thing. Perhaps some more women in Politics at the top of the US administration would be a good thing. The male politicians meet up and say...

President: "Right, what's top of the agenda? I know that we've got big problems on our hands with the financial crisis, third world debt and trade disagreements. We got a deranged madman at the helm of Iran and they're getting nukes and the fruitcake in North Korea is kicking off again and I mean, heck, many of our own people are without homes or healthcare and can barely afford to eat. I know all these things are of vital importance. But, hey, guys, check out this new state of the art rocket our boys at NASA have been working on."

(Brings up Powerpoint presentation on overhead projector)

Chorus of US administration members: "Whoah! That is one cool toy!"

President: "I know! I think we should divert the funds from all the projects to help the most vulnerable in society towards this rocket project. What do you say, boys?"

Chorus of US administration members: "Yes! Yes! Mr President! That rocket is sweet, man! Ah, boy...Yes! Let's send that giant phallus up into space! Oh baby, she is something else! Wooooo! Go, Mr President, Go! Alright! Oh yes, you are the daddy!"

(High fives all round...)

President: Meeting over. Now that's sorted, anyone want a game of golf?

Rise in Number of Women Who Pay for Sex

The BBC reports a rise in the number of women who use male prostitutes. In the wake of the news there has also been a rise in the number of men hanging around on street corners mumbling something about £20 and a rise in the number of men retraining for 'alternative' careers, as well as a rise in the number of rises in general.

Mean Girls

Having nothing but a few rewatches this week (Slumdog Millionaire and The Nun's Story), I'll turn back the clock to two Wednesday's ago and review Mean Girls. We had to watch this film for, of all things, the Emerging Leaders program to study different types of power and leadership (oh, BROTHER). It about lived up to my expectations, which is that it's the same banal, overly clever and not very satisfying teen movie that we've all seen five million times before. The praise doled out to this is from certain corners is baffling - indeed, almost as baffling as that damned Juno. But at least Mean Girls didn't get a slew of Oscar nominations, so it's less offensive in this regard.

There are very, very few teen-oriented movies that I genuinely like; in fact I can't think of one that I do. I might have a small degree of affection for something like Footloose or Ten Things I Hate About You but there tend to be mitigating circumstances, be it nostalgia or otherwise, for such opinions. Maybe it's because I was an outsider who flitted in and out of the various "cliques" and social groups that Hollywood insists exists, but I've never found much any Hollywood or TV portrayal of high school and its various inner workings to be even remotely accurate, perhaps because most such films are written and directed by out of touch fifty year old Hollywood producers.

Such is the case with Mean Girls. For all its alleged posturing as a hip, funny (what?) and insightful view of high school cliquery (?), it's really the same exact film as everything from Clueless to Breakfast Club to Ten Things I Hate About You to She's All That repackaged in a snarky bundle. Granted, I never possessed a vagina, but I think I have a decent idea of how high school works. Clearly, however, Hollywood does not.

The film's plot involves Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan), a teen who has spent most of her life abroad in Africa with her scientist parents. She arrives at a regular high school and finds it completely baffling. She soon finds some friends in outcasts Janice (Lizzy Kaplan) and Damian (Daniel Franzese), but soon becomes fascinated by the "plastics", a group of ultra-cool girls led by the nasty Regina (Rachel McAdams) who are worshipped by everyone for their perfect looks, fashion sense - and their control of gossip and other secrets which would doom the student body. At Janice's urging, Cady infiltrates the Plastics and begins to undermine them, only to find herself becoming exactly like them.

The film adheres almost slavishly to the confines of its genre. New girl struggling to fit in? Check. Introduction to all of the different arbitrary cliques of the school (which I swear to God happens in every one of these movies)? Yessir. Blatantly artificial and obnoxious "witty" dialogue a la Diablo Cody? You bet your ass. Likeable if obnoxious nerdy kids? Yep. Quirky but largely ineffectual adults? Check, and then some, although Tim Meadows' flustered principal and Amy Poehler's hopelessly out-of-it "cool mom" get many of the film's best moments. So all that's in place, plus its share of gross-out, sexual and pratfall humor that belie any claims of wit, as well as the usual cartoonish hyperbole that makes the film as realistic as Star Wars. When the student body degenerates into outright warfare over the publication of Regina's diary, you know the film has lost it; even the film of Harriet the Spy didn't go THAT far. The movie doesn't even address the hell of being different or social in any meaningful way; Cady goes almost immediately from outcast new kid to cool in-girl to outcast everyone hates, with no room in between.

It's a pity, as the movie does have a few ideas that (almost) make it work. The characterization of Cady, at least in the early going, is an interesting wrinkle that the film deserves credit for. Her descent into Plasticity is well-written and a creditable bit of character development by screenwriter Tina Fey. (The use of Lizzy Kaplan's damaged and vengeful Janice character, as the tool who brings about Cady's transformation, is quite clever as well.) But then the movie ruins it with her cartoonishly-depicted fall, her predictable "redemption" and obnoxiously overwrought "I've learned the error of my ways!" speech at the prom. (Yes, the movie ends at a prom. So does every teen movie on Earth, you know.) The movie may try to snark its way around it, but the fact remains that it squanders its good idea for the sake of the usual cliche "We all dance happily together" conclusion that makes me wretch. This movie doesn't have bite, it has saccharine gumming, and it skips out completely on its potential.

The actors do creditable work. Lindsay Lohan does a nice job with Cady's inner turmoil and character development. Of the evil "plastics", Lacey Chabert's clueless and sexy Gretchen is by far the most enjoyable to watch, though Rachel McAdams is the typical bitch queen you'd expect from this sort of film. I do also like Lizzy Caplan's turn as Cady's emotionally damaged friend Janice, though Daniel Franzese's gay caricature is just annoying. The adult performances of Tina Fey, Tim Meadows and Amy Poehler contribute nicely around the edges.

I guess I'll admit that I'm being unfair to the extent that I'm judging such a film due to realism/plausibility. But I'm also judging it for entertainment value, and there's precious little of that here, too. If you're in the target audience, the musings of a pompous, stuck-up wannabe film buff like myself won't much matter. For the rest of us, though, Mean Girls is yet another mediocre entry in the "What Hollywood thinks of teens" genre - and doesn't even begin to get right.

Rating: 5/10 - Mediocre

A 'Modern' Church

A newly built Catholic Church in Donaucity, Vienna, a developing part of the city.

Isn't it beautiful!? Yes, now this reflects the Glory of God and His Saints! This reflects the modern Church! This is the kind of Catholic Church that is really 'hip' and has changed with the times! Is it just me or does it look like it has actually been made from black recycling bins? Good Lord, have mercy on the architect! No wonder the Austrian Bishops are having problems accepting the Benedictine reforms! I don't know...Church? Morgue? Stylish 21st century shipping cargo port? Your guess is as good as mine.

I guess this kind of somes up Cherie Blair's desire to see the Church updated and modernised. Tony Blair himself was into modernisation. He modernised the whole Labour party remember. 'Modernisation' was the process whereby the Labour party dropped any policies that Labour party members held dear in order to get elected.

Likewise, 'modernisation' for the Church would mean dropping any Articles of Faith which those faithful to the Magisterium hold dear, which ultimately would most likely result in denying the Divinity of Christ, encouraging everyone to contracept in order to avoid ghastly children because of 'overpopulation' and the inconvenience they bring to those who harbour ambitions of high-flying public careers, condoms available in a little basket in the Confessional, now used as an in-church laundry room, as the Priest maintains there is no such thing as sin, round the clock table tennis where the Altar used to be and a different Mass each day for the gay community, the lesbian community, the transgender community, the foot fetish community and the rambling community. The one thing that strikes me about '-alities' and '-isms' within the Church is that they divide the Body of Christ rather than unite it. We're all sinners and all sinners are welcome.

The Church, in Her Infallible Teaching, Her liturgy, Her music and Her buildings was never meant to reflect the World! It was always meant to reflect the Heavenly City and the Glory of God! The Church shouldn't reflect us - it should reflect God and His Angels and Saints. If in any way it reflects us, then it should reflect what we should be, or what by adoption into the life of sanctifying grace we we are called to be! Saints! The fact that the majority of the World is seemingly intent on going to Hell in a handcart should not alter one jot of the Church's vision for man's true happiness - Union with God in Heaven!

The Church needs to move with the times? Oh yes, of course it does...I mean, the times are so great aren't they!? What are the times? Society is dominated by an ideology governed by the cult of the body, the celebrity and the self. Vulnerable human life is seen as worthless and thrown in the bin whether it be the unborn or the beggars on the streets. Whole hosts of us are enslaved by our passions and 21st century man and woman is more self-destructive now than possibly ever in human history. It is an age of unbridled lust, adultery, idolatry, divorce, murder and societal breakdown. The UK, Europe and the US are fast becoming one gigantic Babylonian monolyth. If ever there was a time when the Church had to modernise and get with the times this is the time, isn't it!?

I'm still incensed by the programme, having watched it. It was worse than I had at first imagined. When a disaffected lapsed Catholic lady was telling her that she felt the Church turned its back on women when it started telling women it might not be such a good and noble thing to have an abortion she just nodded her head and smiled. Even if privately Cherie doesn't agree with the teaching she could have said, "Well, the Church says that because it says we really shouldn't kill our own children." The only conclusion we can draw is that she thinks the Church in Her teaching on abortion is a set back for women's lib. As for how fantastic Chrisitianity is in the US and able to connect with people it is, I have a friend in the US who is Catholic who described the US as a "pagan state", much like the UK. This was seen recently when 'Christian' America voted in President Obama and gave him carte blanche to tear up swathes of the Bill of Rights (only a matter of time) and rip up any legislative protection for the unborn. According to Cherie, Obama's rise to power was a victory for Christianity. Well, it might have been a victory for Cherie's brand of Christianity...

When people tell the Church to modernise, especially if they are Catholics, it is always worth reminding them that if Pope Benedict XVI, now gloriously reigning, were to change Church teaching on the correct gender specification for the Priesthood, contraception, abortion, teaching on human sexuality and even, for that matter, shelve the Motu Proprio on the Tridentine Mass, he might possibly make himself the most popular Pope in history, but he and the souls he would bring into error would most likely be damned for all eternity. Secondly, it is worth reminding them that being the bearer of the Deposit of Faith, rather than the architect of it, he does not have the power to alter Church teaching on gender eligibility for the Priesthood or the Magisterium as a whole.

Here's how we used to do it...Ohh, I don't know...maybe the modern one would look better in magenta. No, the traditional, gothic one wins but only by several thousand country miles.

Cheresy Alert!

The Telegraph highlights tonight's Channel 4 installment on the History of Christianity hosted by Cherie Blair, wife of former PM Tony Blair. Click here for the full article...

She said few believers liked to discuss their faith openly, echoing comments by her husband who said he avoided speaking about religion while Prime Minister, for being of being labelled "a nutter". (Cherie, love, this wasn't the reason people thought your husband was a nutter. People thought he was a nutter because he was best mates with a fruitcake in the White House and invaded Iraq on the pretext of weapons of mass destruction, which, to this day, are seemingly so technologically advanced that they are invisible).

Mrs Blair, a lawyer and committed Catholic (as in faithful or sectioned?), also said Christianity was "ambivalent to women" and will not have a future unless traditional churches do more to reflect social change. (In other words, Cherie wants to see equal opportunities in the Church and women priests and bishops. You said, "Women priests," Cherie, our survey of the Magisterium of the Church said, "nah-nah". Hmm...What chance Cherie reads the Tablet?)

She also claimed reports her husband prayed with President Bush were untrue and revealed she seemed to become pregnant every time she had not used contraception. (Here it comes - the petition for change of Holy Church teaching...) Her comments were made in the final part of the Channel 4 series Christianity, to be screened on Sunday night, in which she gives her own perspective on the future of the religion.

Mrs Blair spoke of her disappointment at the apparent "terminal decline" of Christianity (publicly questioning articles of faith, bordering on denial of those articles hardly helps...anyway St Mary Magdalen's was packed this morning), adding: "Everywhere you look today churches are being closed, Christians are often being marginalised and faith is something few people like to discuss openly."

During an interview with former Laura Bush, wife of former US president George W Bush, for the programme, Mrs Blair said the division between religion and public was "a very fine tightrope" and could "lead to assumptions being made and unfair criticisms being made about the motivation and reason why politicians take the decision they do". (Like wars?)

She added: "People used to suggest that Tony and George would actually pray together and that never happened of course." (Lord, help us to invade this sovereign nation and to 'sex up' the intelligence dossiers). Mrs Bush replied: "Never happened, absolutely," adding: "That is part of the problem of anyone mentioning what their religion is… I can see 10 Downing Street would not want the Prime Minister to say God bless our country, because there is criticism." (Yes there is criticism...the whole Court of Heaven disagree with our abortion legislation, Human Fertilisation and Embryology bill, same sex 'marriages' and a raft of measures that enshrine sin into the law of the land. After all that, if you want to ask God to bless the country you possibly are a nutter. You could give it a go, though I suppose).

Tony Blair discussed the issue in a BBC programme following his departure from office in 2007. He said that, while it was commonplace in the US and elsewhere for politicians to talk about their religious convictions, "you talk about it in our system and, frankly, people do think you're a nutter". (Yep, best to just vote with your conscience and say yes to abortion on demand...The phrase 'Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're an a***hole' springs to mind).

Mrs Blair said women were "virtually invisible" in the public face of Christianity and that its failure to recover from the social changes of the 1960s was one of its "fundamental weaknesses. (Two words...Mother Teresa. There you go, she was a visible public face of Chrisitanity, sanctity, holiness and awe-inspiring love. Not enough? St Terese of Liseux, St Clare, St Teresa of Avila. I'm sure the Holy Father gives thanks to God daily for the work of nuns whether they be missionaries, teachers, nurses or in enclosed orders. Lady, what do you want to be? A priestess? Or a Saint?) Until the traditional churches fully resolve their relationship with the female half of the population, how can they expect Christianity to have a future in the modern world?" she asked. (Oh good grief, woman, just put the kettle on will you? I don't know...Nag, nag, nag...)

"Traditionally it was women who passed religion on to their children and who kept the church going through good times and bad, but when it comes to the public face of Christianity, women are virtually invisible." (Err...you're a Catholic, you're a woman and you're on TV more than any priest I know!)

She was filmed interviewing Britain's most senior Catholic, Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor, about the issue. "If you actually look at the formal structures of the Catholic Church you don't see a woman's face when you see people speaking for the Catholic Church... can we change that?" she asked. (Translation: "Come on, you and me, Your Eminence, let's take on the Holy Father and march on Rome with an army of 10,000 women to be ordained! I know all the Apostles called by Christ were men, but Christ was, like, so 33 AD. God has to get with the programme, man!")

He replied: "I don't think that will develop towards priesthood or episcopy because of the tradition of the church in that role, but I do see that the roles and the gifts of women being, not just appreciated, but used more fully."

A former churchgoer told Mrs Blair she became angry at the church's stance on abortion and contraception. The QC replied: "I'm a feminist…(rather than a Catholic?) How could I have done all the things I have done if I hadn't used contraception? Because actually every time I didn't use contraception I seemed to have a baby." (Blasted babies! Getting in the way of money, careers and public life! Well, thank God you and your husband are minted so you didn't have to worry about affording nappies, university fees and the rest of it. Every baby is a gift from God! Don't blame the Church for encouraging Catholics to accept the gift of children and to be open to new life and to try and live in accordance with God's will! Nobody said it was easy! Publicly confessing your very personal struggles with contraception is one thing...but it sounds like you want to nail condoms to the church door in some obscure German town and make Church teaching in your own image).

Aren't I horrid!? I just find it so infuriating that here is a public Catholic with an opportunity to expound upon the truths of the Catholic Faith and she seemingly has used the programme in order to stand on a soapbox and tell the Church to 'modernise or die'. I mean, have these 'modernist' people never noticed that everything that is modern, apart from the internet, is vulgar and pants? There's a very good reason the Vatican isn't furnished by Habitat...There is also a very good reason why Church teaching on the Priesthood is as it is and why Church teaching on abortion and contraception is as it is and any Catholic worth his or her salt knows it. Have these liberal Catholics, who publicly undermine the Holy Father and the Infallible teaching of the Church no fear of God?

Patronage

You die and are canonised a hundred years later after a life of virtue and a holy martyrdom at the hands of rabid traffic wardens. The three miracles that got your sanctity validated were answers to prayers for one man's athelete's foot problem, a nationwide lowering of council tax bills and a urgent circular by the Bishops of England and Wales for the Latin Mass to be made more widely available in each and every parish church in the land, drawn up at the annual 'Pope Benedict XVI Appreciation Society Gala'. What do you want to be named after you?

a) A mountain
b) A bottle of wine
c) A church
d) A hospice
e) A lake
f) A street
g) A river
h) A packet of cigarettes
i) A hospital
j) A school
k) A prison
l) A wastewater management firm
m) A new disease
n) A launderette
o) A newsagents
p) A brand of chutney
q) A locksmiths
r) A floristry
s) A volcano
t) A dental practice
u) A zoo
v) An island
w) A forest
x) A dance move
y) A lighting shop
z) A fishmongers